Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom

   It was a mistake Friending you and I wont make it again

   Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

   My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed

   I'd like to give a big shoot-out to the Earps and the Clantons

   If my wife ever comes back as a ghost, the message written on my bathroom mirror in blood will be PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN

   If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches

   Maybe someone should tell Bowflex we don't want our living room smelling like a gym.

   The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.

   My birthday is 9 months after my dad's. You learn to live with it.

   The reason people like dogs is because dogs wag their tails instead of their tongues

   All I'm saying is grape juice is just underachieving wine.

   I got so high ,I had to turn down the TV because I couldn't taste my Macaroni and Cheese .

   I do not want to go bungee jumping. I came in this world because rubber broke, I don't want you to go out the same way.

   Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.

   I must be very good at handling my credit card.... Each month the bank sends me a letter saying my credit card account is outstanding.

   Your girl is either gonna want to sit on your face or punch you in the face. No in between

   Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.

   A tv show for anyone over 40 called “So You Think You Can Hear”

   always use magnum condoms because they have enough room for couple of snacks for when you get tired.