Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember laughing at Michael Jackson wearing mask and gloves. Now you all out here looking like you wanna be starting something.

   Beware everyone!! There's emails going around saying if you eat tinned pork, it will help avoid Covid. Please ignore as it's only Spam

   Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?

   this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home this little piggy stayed home

   I'm called "Essential" because calling me "Sacrificial" would be too honest...

   Hoping the easter bunny leaves me some eggs the egg hoarders didn't get this year.

   A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

   In a world full of coronavirus, I wanna be your sanitizer

   Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain !!!👿 Wife: Well aren't you gonna say something ? Me : Not my turn to use the brain.😜

   It's a beautiful (alluring, dazzling, gorgeous, magnificent, pulchritudinous, radiant, resplendent, splendid, stunning) day in the neighborhood. - Mr. Roget's Thesaurus

   Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet

   During the quarantine we got a better chance of seeing Bigfoot than Howie Mandel

   Maybe 2020 will be like a mullet, all business in the front and we party on the back half of it...

   If my wife ever comes back as a ghost, the message written on my bathroom mirror in blood will be PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN

   If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches

   Maybe someone should tell Bowflex we don't want our living room smelling like a gym.

   The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.

   My birthday is 9 months after my dad's. You learn to live with it.

   The reason people like dogs is because dogs wag their tails instead of their tongues

   All I'm saying is grape juice is just underachieving wine.