Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hoping the easter bunny leaves me some eggs the egg hoarders didn't get this year.

   A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

   In a world full of coronavirus, I wanna be your sanitizer

   Wife: It's like every man on earth has to share one brain !!!👿 Wife: Well aren't you gonna say something ? Me : Not my turn to use the brain.😜

   It's a beautiful (alluring, dazzling, gorgeous, magnificent, pulchritudinous, radiant, resplendent, splendid, stunning) day in the neighborhood. - Mr. Roget's Thesaurus

   Not to brag but this time I checked to see if there was paper on the roll BEFORE sitting on the toilet

   During the quarantine we got a better chance of seeing Bigfoot than Howie Mandel

   Maybe 2020 will be like a mullet, all business in the front and we party on the back half of it...

   If my wife ever comes back as a ghost, the message written on my bathroom mirror in blood will be PUT THE TOILET SEAT DOWN

   If by "cruches" you mean the sound potato chips make when I eat them, then yes, certainly I do crunches

   Maybe someone should tell Bowflex we don't want our living room smelling like a gym.

   The difference between broccoli and boogers. Kids won't eat broccoli.

   My birthday is 9 months after my dad's. You learn to live with it.

   The reason people like dogs is because dogs wag their tails instead of their tongues

   All I'm saying is grape juice is just underachieving wine.

   I got so high ,I had to turn down the TV because I couldn't taste my Macaroni and Cheese .

   I do not want to go bungee jumping. I came in this world because rubber broke, I don't want you to go out the same way.

   Texas please vote for Ted Cruz. Because if you don't, he could end up on the View.

   I must be very good at handling my credit card.... Each month the bank sends me a letter saying my credit card account is outstanding.

   Your girl is either gonna want to sit on your face or punch you in the face. No in between