Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some people don't know anything about women. And those people are men.

   mosquitoes are natures way of fighting nudity.

   Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I just lie down until it goes away...

   i love when rich people compliment me on things that I spent less than $5 on

   I think its about time we put the movie 2012 in the comedy section...

   Just looked up from my phone. Worst 5 seconds of my life.

   I always treat restaurant staff with the utmost respect because they are people trying to make a living like the rest of us. Also, because I prefer my soup without spit or urine in it.

   MONEY - its only the root of all evil when you are dead broke.

   Wouldn't it be so disappointing if we ever come into contact with aliens, and we ask them about the mysteriousness & complexity of crop circles and they're like "Dude, we just really hate corn."

   When a status starts out with “I seen”, it never ends with “in a book I once read.”

   The books aren't nearly as cute once you find out Waldo is a deadbeat dad.

   That very very sad moment when you bite into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it's really just a cleverly disguised oatmeal raisin cookie.

   I've been thinking, I should really get some work done today. Well, it's the thought that counts.

   My American friend says he's going to vote for the one who is willing to making the Pringles tubes biggers....as soon as he gets his hand out of one.

   Don't you wish some damn people could be like money, so you could hold them up to the sun and see which ones are fake and who are real.

   its Sunday morning and I'm in a liquor store wearing nothing but a bathing suit and flipflops..so yes Mrs. cashier..im pretty sure I dont need a reciept

   If they were to make a porn on my life, It would be fully clothed people apologizing to each other.

   I drink a lot because when I die I want to become high octane fossil fuel. I want to be burned up in a sports car, not some damned Kia or Suburu

   Maybe people who wear Ed Hardy shirts just want people to throw boiling water at them.

   If I owe you money I am definitely paying on the 22nd of December.