Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

   there are more important things in life than money. The trouble is, they all cost money.

   Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation

   Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' when parked illegally.

   The thing I miss most about being a kid is having the ability to fall asleep nearly anywhere and it's still socially acceptable.

   I wish there was a place I could go to collect all the wonderful things people are giving up for Lent.

   Don't be so serious. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me...I'll laugh at you."

   I argue with myself sometime because I know for a fact that I'll win

   I would much rather regret something I did, then something I was too afraid to do...

   With all these people "checking in" at every place they go to, I'm thinking Facebook is a probation officer as well as a social networking site.

   Really don't understand why everytime I open my t.v. dinner there has to be corn frozen in my brownie :/

   Superbowl: the only time in a year that you tell people to be quiet because a commercial is on.

   Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.

   I remember when making a mix tape for your girlfriend was the perfect Valentine's gift.

   If Facebook goes out of business, we should all exchange phone numbers and mailing addresses.

   when work feels overwhelming, I just reassure myself that I will die someday....

   If you watch 127 hours backwards it's an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

   I had to sell my halo to Cash4Gold, So I blame the economy for my attitude....

   I used to think that there was this huge difference between Clowns and Mimes. But actually they all scream the same kinds of things at you when you spray them with Pepper Spray.

   Finally, Facebook gives me what I always wanted, a news feed within my news feed...