Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A polaroid is what an eskimo takes when he wants to bulk up.

   I quit cold turkey, unless it's in a sandwich, but even then, I prefer to warm it up first.

   My holiday catalog fort is coming along quite nicely.

   There's a styling salon down my street called "Blow Bar," and needless to say, I walked in excited thinking it was something else.

   in the dictionary everything starts with e.

   According to new research, too much sex can cause temporary amnesia. Finally, something that explains my photographic memory.

   A blond and brunette were walking and the brunette says "look a dead bird" the blond looks up and says "where where?"

   I'm pretty sure that lady from the Target ads is capable of killing anyone in her way.

   If you can not see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

   According to my studies, Aliens NEVER wear pants and are all flat chested females.

   I'll never be convinced there's not someone hiding under my bed just waiting for the chance to grab my ankle.

   Wow! Only seven more shopping days until it's Christmas! I wish that I could afford to buy each and every one of you a very expensive, extravagant gift! I wouldn't, but do I just wish I could afford to, if I wanted.

   Note to self: Saying "Don't judge me!" doesn't go over well in court.

   Im starting to think my dog is a spy... she has simply seen too much

   Someone suggested I get myself one of those pen1s enlargers, so I did..... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

   are you shaking your head in disgust or are you trying to jumpstart your brain

   Hey there people who start dancing a little to the music playing at Starbucks. Can we talk about you not doing that anymore?

   Tomorrow is 11/11/11 and after that we won't have another palindromic date for 11 whole days.

   would agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong.

   The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.