Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only trip I can afford is 'shrooms.

   I did a striptease for my girl, but it didn't go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she was asleep...

   Wearing a bra with tinny boobs is like carrying a wallet with no cash.

   Old Irish Saying: hiccup, burp

   an uneasy feeling drinking from the water fountain by the bathrooms while someone flushes the toilet.

   As far as Miss Universe Canada is concerned, it seems the "Miss" part of the competition has to start at birth...

   Me: So, you like bad boys? Girl: Oh Yeah! Me: Well, I'm not to impress you or anything but at Walmart I enter through the exit door.

   Anyone checked lately to see if there are still other web sites?

   When I go to Twitter and it says "Something is technically wrong" I think that's probably the most accurate statement ever.

   Shaggy is the biggest stoner, you've never seen smoke.

   I just got a letter from my boomerang.... It said when I get a decent job and quit the drinking,,,,,,,,,,,,,( well, you know )

   n't it weird that the majority of people taking a sh!t in a public toilet conveniently have a permanent marker on them?

   Still waiting for the best day of my life to happen...!!!

   My girlfriend just texted me saying, "I want you to get me all wet when I get home ;)" So I got 15 water balloons ready.

   I speak fluent apology.

   Why is it cute when your 3 year old presses her nose against the glass outside the ice cream shop? Whenever I do that I'm told to back off because I'm scaring the customers.

   Bar Rules for MEN: No shirt, no service. Bar rules for WOMEN: No shirt, free drinks.

   I'm a fan of anything that tries to replace actual human contact.

   It's been so hot my balls have stopped producing sperm to focus solely on making sweat.

   Got a Straw! ...Because you ''Suck!''