Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't believe they're holding off until Christmas for the M̶c̶D̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ McRib this season.....What better time of year for your McBowels to get the McMoves like McJagger and ruin your holiday?!

   there are many things that will catch your eye but few will catch your heart

   That jackass who called me childish at work earlier is going to regret it. Just wait till I tell my dad.

   I'm beginning to think these 'bored housewives' I'm seeing in pop-up ads are lying. I've had several come to my house and not one of them would cook.

   There are some real hearts that get broken by imaginary people and empty promises...so think before you blow that sunshine.

   Walmart. The only place in America where you can buy shrimp and underwear in the same store.

   "Noooo, I dont do that!!"....are words that wont get a woman a marriage proposal!!!

   I'm not ignoring you, my thoughts are just more important than your words.

   At least my computer goes down on me

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'.

   I was eating lunch today at a local restaurant and saw a sign in their window saying "Waitress wanted". So, I called the police station and told them where she was.

   Nothing like watching a Nicholas Cage movie to remind you that your life could be worse, you could be Nicholas Cage.

   I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser ツ

   My wife says crazy stuff like "You're addicted to Facebook," "Pay attention to us" and "How could you not notice the house is on fire?"

   Bed is holding me captive. Send sex.

   I sooo did not want to go on a run today but those cops came out of nowhere.

   "The glass is half full" ~ optimist "The glass is half empty" ~ pessimist "That looks delicious" ~ alcoholic

   Girl: "Go on, don't be shy and ask me out." Boy: "Ok, get out."

   Google should change it's name to "Skynet".

   Can't these goddamn customers see that I'm trying to update my social networking sites?!?