Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row.

   I really hurt my back today at the golf course,I fell off of the ball washing machine.

   Warning labels on liquor bottles should also include: REGRET.

   Fun Fact: It took 4 trips back in time before Marty McFly was able to resist having sex with his mother.

   For Halloween I’m handing out office supplies that I’ve stolen from work..paper clips..pencils..erasers..pens..toilet paper..hand sanitizer..Kleenex..Cigars.

   My wife walked in the living room and asked what was on the TV and I said dust…

   How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

   I can't believe they're holding off until Christmas for the M̶c̶D̶e̶a̶t̶h̶ McRib this season.....What better time of year for your McBowels to get the McMoves like McJagger and ruin your holiday?!

   there are many things that will catch your eye but few will catch your heart

   That jackass who called me childish at work earlier is going to regret it. Just wait till I tell my dad.

   I'm beginning to think these 'bored housewives' I'm seeing in pop-up ads are lying. I've had several come to my house and not one of them would cook.

   There are some real hearts that get broken by imaginary people and empty promises...so think before you blow that sunshine.

   Walmart. The only place in America where you can buy shrimp and underwear in the same store.

   "Noooo, I dont do that!!"....are words that wont get a woman a marriage proposal!!!

   I'm not ignoring you, my thoughts are just more important than your words.

   At least my computer goes down on me

   When the checkout person tries to put your toilet paper in a bag, tell them it's 'for here', not 'to go'.

   I was eating lunch today at a local restaurant and saw a sign in their window saying "Waitress wanted". So, I called the police station and told them where she was.

   Nothing like watching a Nicholas Cage movie to remind you that your life could be worse, you could be Nicholas Cage.

   I love going for walks in the rain. You can pee your pants and no one will be the wiser ツ