Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so today is Presidents' Day and I'm a bit confused...are we supposed to misplace our birth certificates and not salute the flag today?

   wonders if a guy stands up in church to disagree with the priest...is he called a mass debator?

   Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

   I've got a blind date tonight with this girl who is 78.8 inches tall, I can't wait two metre.

   There will soon come a time were I can not voice my OPINION by saying,"I HATE vile Brussels Sprouts!!" For fear of offending Farmers and the general population. So consider yourselves informed.

   What's the cheapest kind of meat?... Deer Balls, They're under a Buck!... *Drops mic.,, Cries behind stage*

   Biden is opening up the borders, wow what is it that this guy can't do "wrong"

   Always the blame game. No matter who the president is everyone's gonna say its his fault we are where we are. We're all Americans lets work together! Regardless of what party youre for! USA!

   ...ain't nobody got time for that...oh Lord Jesus, it's a fire...

   BLOW JOB!!!!!!! BLOW JOB!!!!!!!!! Now that I have your attention does anyone know the universal remote code for a Samsung flat screen?

   if you make her laugh she likes you , if you make her cry she loves you , if you make her drunk she puts out Lmao

   Only 60 shopping days left until black history month!

   I saw some bright orange splatter on the drive home from DC....it was either a smashed pumpkin, or John Boehner--either way I assumed it was worthless and wasn't stopping

   After one of my friends changes their FB status to single, I like to upload a bunch of pictures of the happy ex couple and tag the sh!t out of them.

   I'm not saying it's bad for a girl's pubes to be showing.... I'm saying it matters which end of her shorts they're showing from.

   Happy Birthday Eastenders! 25 years of bad acting and impossible storylines. And still we're hooked.

   Monday morning is the time we go through photos from the weekend and figure out what the hell happened. I swear that goat said he had ID.

   climbing into your windows and snatchin yo people up...

   just got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with... "according to the prophecy"

   Bi&ches Be Like Wake up *pic* Get dressed *pic* School Flow *pic* Bored *pic* With Bae *pic* No Filter *pic* Goodnight *pic* Goodnight *pic*