Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Always the blame game. No matter who the president is everyone's gonna say its his fault we are where we are. We're all Americans lets work together! Regardless of what party youre for! USA!

   ...ain't nobody got time for that...oh Lord Jesus, it's a fire...

   BLOW JOB!!!!!!! BLOW JOB!!!!!!!!! Now that I have your attention does anyone know the universal remote code for a Samsung flat screen?

   if you make her laugh she likes you , if you make her cry she loves you , if you make her drunk she puts out Lmao

   Only 60 shopping days left until black history month!

   I saw some bright orange splatter on the drive home from DC....it was either a smashed pumpkin, or John Boehner--either way I assumed it was worthless and wasn't stopping

   After one of my friends changes their FB status to single, I like to upload a bunch of pictures of the happy ex couple and tag the sh!t out of them.

   I'm not saying it's bad for a girl's pubes to be showing.... I'm saying it matters which end of her shorts they're showing from.

   Happy Birthday Eastenders! 25 years of bad acting and impossible storylines. And still we're hooked.

   Monday morning is the time we go through photos from the weekend and figure out what the hell happened. I swear that goat said he had ID.

   climbing into your windows and snatchin yo people up...

   just got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with... "according to the prophecy"

   Bi&ches Be Like Wake up *pic* Get dressed *pic* School Flow *pic* Bored *pic* With Bae *pic* No Filter *pic* Goodnight *pic* Goodnight *pic*

   In New Mexico a man was arrested for buying a woman food so that she would have sex with hom. The man has been charged with Dating.

   "Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Sorry... Pardon... Sorry..." Canadian bumper cars...

   Daughter''Dad I am a lesbian!'' Sister ''Me too dad!'' Dad ''Doesn't anyone like guys around here?'' Son ''I do!''

   I'm disgusted when I see an old man with a younger woman. Or a younger man with a younger woman. Just couples. Or groups. Any person really.

   Ariana Grande sounds like a new drink at Starbucks.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit on his ass and drink beer all afternoon.

   My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.