Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That moment when your teacher asks you to read out loud, and you don't know what page they're on.

   Have you ever noticed that the crazies around h3re really suck at spelling and grammar?

   No matter what, your parents bed will ALWAYS be comfier than yours!

   Oasis? Spice Girls? Fatboy Slim? I think the music director for the Olympics closing ceremony got ahold of my MP3 player from when I was in college 11 years ago.

   What doesn't kill you is probably a poison made in China.

   I wish there was a rewind button in life.

   I've been single for so long, I'm not sure I would even know how to be in a relationship anymore. Are relationships still even a thing?

   Don't give it to me straight. I like it a little crooked.

   hey quit littering! you need to pick that status up and put it in the trash where it belongs. RJ

   When you are using a public urinal you must look straight ahead at all times and no chit chatting about anything, including the weather...it's the law.

   why do I even bother setting a desktop background if it’s covered by my browser 24/7

   something tells me somebody somewhere is trying to find the formula to create zombies.

   The Chupacabra came down the chimney and left me a Piñata full of coal ...that means 6 more months of Tequila! Happy Cinco De Mayo

   DAD: "Son go back to bed. Monsters arent real" SON: "But dad I'm scared. And what are you wearin?" DAD: "Just armor to protect me from aliens. Aliens are real son"

   this bar sucks so much I just played every Nickelback song I could find on the jukebox and walked out......take that as$ clowns!

   I hate restaurants where they won't let you bring your own mariachi band.

   I would really appreciate it if Karma came with an explanatory note reminding you what you did to deserve it.

   Walk🚶🚶🚶 pass old Friends and Ex's..... .....Like I never knew them.✌✋✋😒

   My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... So that I can find a better girlfriend!

   All I want for Father's Day is the last freakin donut.