Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you look like one of those people who smoke pot but still look like they're going somewhere in life. I like that.

   I'd count on you only if I ran out of fingers.

   Nothing says I love you like letting your spouse use all the hot water first.

   A fartnership is that stage in a relationship where farting no longer draws a reaction.

   Your signature looks like you smoke pot a lot.

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   My dog pissed on the carpet so I made him smoke a whole carton of cigarettes. Dont blame me, I'm new to this whole dog training thing.

   That moment when your teacher asks you to read out loud, and you don't know what page they're on.

   Have you ever noticed that the crazies around h3re really suck at spelling and grammar?

   No matter what, your parents bed will ALWAYS be comfier than yours!

   Oasis? Spice Girls? Fatboy Slim? I think the music director for the Olympics closing ceremony got ahold of my MP3 player from when I was in college 11 years ago.

   What doesn't kill you is probably a poison made in China.

   I wish there was a rewind button in life.

   I've been single for so long, I'm not sure I would even know how to be in a relationship anymore. Are relationships still even a thing?

   Don't give it to me straight. I like it a little crooked.

   hey quit littering! you need to pick that status up and put it in the trash where it belongs. RJ

   When you are using a public urinal you must look straight ahead at all times and no chit chatting about anything, including the weather...it's the law.

   why do I even bother setting a desktop background if it’s covered by my browser 24/7

   something tells me somebody somewhere is trying to find the formula to create zombies.

   The Chupacabra came down the chimney and left me a Piñata full of coal ...that means 6 more months of Tequila! Happy Cinco De Mayo