Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not really sure who won the Powerball drawing-- but as my coworkers start to show up, I'm able to cross off my list of likely winners.

   Ever notice when someone posts a pic of several women, the h0ttest ones are never t@gged?

   THERE'S A TECHNIQUE IN LOVE: We follow the rule "Love one another" and if doesn't work, just swap the last two words, "Love another one"....

   Friday is the beginning of my liver's workweek.

   Every month I pretend to have a pregnancy scare. It's better than admitting to myself that I don't get laid.

   Don't even try to play mind games on those with a sharper mind than you.

   whenever I see that the cart boy is fat I scatter the carts all over the lot to help them out

   I never knew what girls were like until Facebook.

   I thought the new iPhone was supposed to repair my self esteem issues.

   You have to hand it to apple.... They added an half inch to the screen and still win the award for the hardest game of spot the difference

   Might start telling people I'm a blacksmith. You can't prove I'm not.

   I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.

   I would probably leave my wife at this gas station if I knew how to make sandwiches.

   you look like one of those people who smoke pot but still look like they're going somewhere in life. I like that.

   I'd count on you only if I ran out of fingers.

   Nothing says I love you like letting your spouse use all the hot water first.

   A fartnership is that stage in a relationship where farting no longer draws a reaction.

   Your signature looks like you smoke pot a lot.

   Women don't like being told what to do unless they're naked.

   My dog pissed on the carpet so I made him smoke a whole carton of cigarettes. Dont blame me, I'm new to this whole dog training thing.