Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first step is admitting you have a problem. The second step is DANCE BATTLE

   You say you want to get away from your demons, yet you come running to me.

   Paula Broadwell, General Petraeus' biographer, has been hired to write Bill Clinton's biography. Bill can't wait.

   My timeline hates your drama.

   eating prunes!! Like my day wasn't sihtty enough...

   Frankly I think there is more going on in the lab between the scientists and the sheep than actual cloning.

   Maybe our Government should deal with the debt ceiling like Charlie and his Grandfather did in Willy Wonka during the fizzy lifting scene. Expel a lot of gas

   I'm not really sure who won the Powerball drawing-- but as my coworkers start to show up, I'm able to cross off my list of likely winners.

   Ever notice when someone posts a pic of several women, the h0ttest ones are never t@gged?

   THERE'S A TECHNIQUE IN LOVE: We follow the rule "Love one another" and if doesn't work, just swap the last two words, "Love another one"....

   Friday is the beginning of my liver's workweek.

   Every month I pretend to have a pregnancy scare. It's better than admitting to myself that I don't get laid.

   Don't even try to play mind games on those with a sharper mind than you.

   whenever I see that the cart boy is fat I scatter the carts all over the lot to help them out

   I never knew what girls were like until Facebook.

   I thought the new iPhone was supposed to repair my self esteem issues.

   You have to hand it to apple.... They added an half inch to the screen and still win the award for the hardest game of spot the difference

   Might start telling people I'm a blacksmith. You can't prove I'm not.

   I miss the good old days when we blamed Marilyn Manson for all our problems.

   I would probably leave my wife at this gas station if I knew how to make sandwiches.