Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just deleted and blocked the Pope. I don't need him reading my sh!t.

   I don't speak Brazilian, but my tongue knows its way around it.

   Summary: IRS sorry about abusing govt power, now register your guns you paranoid freaks.

   I want to see that KFC commercial, but with Hannibal Lecter in it screaming "I ATE THE BONES"!!

   I believe success,, is making it in and out of a public restroom without touching anything.

   Scientists discovered a food that diminishes a womans sex drive by 95% . . . wedding cake-

   there is no strong beer, only weak men

   So.... who was the best shooter this month?? A. Ray Allen B. Danny GreenC. LeBron JamesD. Aaron Hernandez”

   Most ‪‎friends‬ these days are so ‪‎fake‬ ..I'm sure if we turned them around we would find "Made in China" stickers on their asses !!!!

   The best part about walking in the rain with your significant other is they don't know you're peeing.

   Does anyone realize the people running the planet are ruining the planet, or is it just me. . .

   Millions of men have fought and died just so you have the right to…go on a website and whine about your ever so slightly imperfect life

   A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "feel horrible I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfec

   Never play Uno with Mexicans they will steal all the green cards.

   Hillary told Donald Trump to delete his Twitter account. Funny, she wants him to treat it like her govt emails

   When Mike Tyson says “Bithneth”…… You know he really means business.

   Rihanna and Miley Cyrus could learn a great deal from other female musicians who don’t need to be naked to sell their music like Drake.

   If you shake it more than twice you're advertising.

   If you are someone who insists on talking on the phone rather than texting, I’m sorry but, we can’t be friends

   You had me at 0 mutual friends..