Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Grandpa died from a vaigra overdose, and I still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.

   They should put bumpers on the roads when women are driving like they do for kids at bowling alleys.

   thankful that I have a job and can afford a nice Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas...and beer

   was camped out at Target waiting for Black Friday and got pepper sprayed by police who mistook me for an Occupy Wall Street protester.. :-/

   Yesterday was the second day, of the second week, of the second month, of the second year, of the second decade, of the second milliennium = Twoception

   Who says I can't cook? You've obviously never tasted my cereal!

   Most relationships fail not because the absence of love, but because girls love to much and guys love to many.

   I missed my ex today so I reloaded & shot again

   It's annoying when girls take pictures in glasses and they're like "I'm a nerd". Like shut up you're not a nerd you're just a slut with glasses on.

   I so hungary I could eat a horse...guess I'll get a McRib

   noticed that countries that eat bacon have a lot less violence and war

   I bet all the other glues are really jealous of Super Glue.

   Im in the jehovah witness protection program

   Remember ... at 8:30 tonite .. it will be Earth Hour so please turn off all of your electrical devices at 8:30 pm... Heck . with all of that power being conserved at 8:30 ... It'll be the opportune time to power up my new 1.21 gigawatt Flux Capacitor!!!

   i lifted this heavy object till I farted, I had to apologize to the guy in the other urinal

   I keep a baseball bat under my bed just incase someone breaks into my house while I'm sleeping and throws a baseball at me

   Why does Facebook ask what's on my mind...I am a male of the species so it should be bloody obvious!

   Your're born, you live, you die, figure out whatever the hell you want to do in between...

   has decided to unleash years of ninja training on the world =.= OR I'm just gonna eat supper and go to bed....hmmmm....well I guess the world is safe for another day

   Don't Facebook and drive!