Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My brother is in the Army. He invented the Standard Issue Kevlar Condom......It protects soldiers in the bush.

   Thank you Flyers for a great season. The best I've ever seen. But hey Blackhawks I hope you enjoy drinking the beer from the cup. We peed in it.

   Officer, I'm not Fred Flintstone, I didn't "run" a red light, I drove through it.

   it safe for white folks to say the n word while doing karaoke ?

   I now nominate all of you for the ALS ice pick to the head challenge.

   My definition of RAP: Rotten Audio Products

   I think I have 10 inches of Global Warming on my driveway.

   Grandpa died from a vaigra overdose, and I still regret not burying him just a few inches deeper.

   They should put bumpers on the roads when women are driving like they do for kids at bowling alleys.

   thankful that I have a job and can afford a nice Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas...and beer

   was camped out at Target waiting for Black Friday and got pepper sprayed by police who mistook me for an Occupy Wall Street protester.. :-/

   Yesterday was the second day, of the second week, of the second month, of the second year, of the second decade, of the second milliennium = Twoception

   Who says I can't cook? You've obviously never tasted my cereal!

   Most relationships fail not because the absence of love, but because girls love to much and guys love to many.

   I missed my ex today so I reloaded & shot again

   It's annoying when girls take pictures in glasses and they're like "I'm a nerd". Like shut up you're not a nerd you're just a slut with glasses on.

   I so hungary I could eat a horse...guess I'll get a McRib

   noticed that countries that eat bacon have a lot less violence and war

   I bet all the other glues are really jealous of Super Glue.

   Im in the jehovah witness protection program