Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You're attachment is too large," my computer tells me. I blush. "My eyes are up here," I respond coyly.

   If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom then you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.

   I wonder if Sonics is making any extra business with all of this "Koney" talk. I ain't gonna lie, when I first heard that name I thought of a chili cheese coney... #fat thought

   glee fans all need to be dumped on their own island..they're bringing our species down

   2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to the comedy section.

   Went into my laundry room this morning where I have 4 bins segregated into Whites, Colours, Blacks, and Tans. Come on Whirlpool! Can't we live in a world where all laundry is created equal?

   When I win the Mega-Millions, I'm going to buy so many dishes, pans and silverware That I never have to wash them again, just use them once and throw them away.

   Monday came in like a lion and went out like a little b!tch.

   When I'm russian for food, there's no time for stalin

   the lower urinal for short people or long people? #clearance

   To err is human , to arr is Pirate ...

   When people ask me "How's life?", I sing them the chorus of Akon's Lonely while crying and slowly walk away.

   Dear people who post pictures of themselves kissing their lover of the moment; I hope you realise those pictures will come back to bite you in the ass when you are broken up and are back in the market looking for a new partner.

   I don't need to go to a church in order to feel ashamed of my ways on Sunday morning.

   Don't be mad when someone else starts to appreciate the person you took for granted. What you won't do, someone else will .

   There is no difference between an idiot and an educated person when it comes to doing irational atrocities in the name of religion.

   The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

   What is wrong with me!!!?........asking for a friend.....

   I love watching Justin Bieber; it's like toddlers in tiara's mixed with Vh1's behind the music except live. Can't wait till we get to the drug addiction part.

   I have an irrational fear of Disco Music...It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.