Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Monday came in like a lion and went out like a little b!tch.

   When I'm russian for food, there's no time for stalin

   the lower urinal for short people or long people? #clearance

   To err is human , to arr is Pirate ...

   When people ask me "How's life?", I sing them the chorus of Akon's Lonely while crying and slowly walk away.

   Dear people who post pictures of themselves kissing their lover of the moment; I hope you realise those pictures will come back to bite you in the ass when you are broken up and are back in the market looking for a new partner.

   I don't need to go to a church in order to feel ashamed of my ways on Sunday morning.

   Don't be mad when someone else starts to appreciate the person you took for granted. What you won't do, someone else will .

   There is no difference between an idiot and an educated person when it comes to doing irational atrocities in the name of religion.

   The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.

   What is wrong with me!!!?........asking for a friend.....

   I love watching Justin Bieber; it's like toddlers in tiara's mixed with Vh1's behind the music except live. Can't wait till we get to the drug addiction part.

   I have an irrational fear of Disco Music...It gives me the Heebie Bee Gees.

   Alcohol is like a push-up bra for your personality.

   has forgotten which sock goes on which foot

   The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign langauge is, "I know you guys are talkin sh!t about me."

   Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

   Spent 45 mins having a stare off with this arrogant prick two tables down at Lunch. Then he got up and grabbed his blind person cane. S$it.

   HIM: “"Promise you'll love me forever." HER: “WTF?!? I don't even love you now.”

   If my love, honesty, and loyalty aren't good enough for you...the guy in line behind you would love for you to move on.