Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Once you get to know me, you'll agree that I have the refluxes of a cat...."...you mean REFLEX? "... *I cough up hairball on the floor & run away

   "Please make me happy" I whisper to my prescription.

   Just asked my neighbors if they wanted to go drinking and accidentally did the blowjob hand signal.

   A single male friend of mine is looking for a woman who can actually suck a golf ball through a garden hose. . .

   Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: "skeletal remains," "dumpster," "almost beyond recognition," "dental records," "blood bath" and "shallow grave."

   Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this.

   [Astronomy class] The next star after our sun is Proxima Centauri, at 4.2 light-years away. [Silence] Or 12 CVS reciepts away. [Class] OHHHHHH

   in a recent study 9 out of 10 Bros actually chose Hoes over each other.

   I would love to put out a comic labeled "For Mature Readers" that is just a heartfelt meditation on aging and mortality.

   Justin Beiber hates being told she's talented, and I can sympathize... I hate being told she's talented, too.

   Im not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.

   I wonder if Ralph Wilson's funeral will be blacked out?

   Sorry NCAA, but "The Process Of Paint Drying" is on discovery channel. Maybe next time.

   Everything I eat turns to $hit.

   Sometimes I'll re-read my older jokes that I once thought were funny and think,,, "I am the lamest person who ever lived."

   Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

   You want to put friendship to the test? Put both your spouse and your dog in the trunk of the car for an hour. Open up the trunk to see who's really happy to see you.

   Poetry doesn't have to rhyme. It just has to touch someone where your hands couldn't.

   Gonna steal a bus and get these kids back to school if it's the LAST thing I do!!!

   Manning really dropped the ball on that one