Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   in a recent study 9 out of 10 Bros actually chose Hoes over each other.

   I would love to put out a comic labeled "For Mature Readers" that is just a heartfelt meditation on aging and mortality.

   Justin Beiber hates being told she's talented, and I can sympathize... I hate being told she's talented, too.

   Im not bothered if someone likes me or Not. Even Angels are hated by Demons.

   I wonder if Ralph Wilson's funeral will be blacked out?

   Sorry NCAA, but "The Process Of Paint Drying" is on discovery channel. Maybe next time.

   Everything I eat turns to $hit.

   Sometimes I'll re-read my older jokes that I once thought were funny and think,,, "I am the lamest person who ever lived."

   Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

   You want to put friendship to the test? Put both your spouse and your dog in the trunk of the car for an hour. Open up the trunk to see who's really happy to see you.

   Poetry doesn't have to rhyme. It just has to touch someone where your hands couldn't.

   Gonna steal a bus and get these kids back to school if it's the LAST thing I do!!!

   Manning really dropped the ball on that one

   "You're attachment is too large," my computer tells me. I blush. "My eyes are up here," I respond coyly.

   If you didn't want me looking in your bedroom then you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.

   I wonder if Sonics is making any extra business with all of this "Koney" talk. I ain't gonna lie, when I first heard that name I thought of a chili cheese coney... #fat thought

   glee fans all need to be dumped on their own island..they're bringing our species down

   2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to the comedy section.

   Went into my laundry room this morning where I have 4 bins segregated into Whites, Colours, Blacks, and Tans. Come on Whirlpool! Can't we live in a world where all laundry is created equal?

   When I win the Mega-Millions, I'm going to buy so many dishes, pans and silverware That I never have to wash them again, just use them once and throw them away.