Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   had the urge to clean today untill I turned on NFL REDZONE. The urge soon passed, I did clean my plate off at lunch time......does that count?????

   welcome to walmart.......get your sh*t and get out

   go to Google and push the play button. You're Welcome:)

   just because everything's different, doesn't mean anything's changed..!!!

   I have a blackbelt in Karate.Its not that iam good at it,its just I never wash it..

   I walked into my local newsagent and noticed he put a "NO READING IN THIS SHOP!" sign up. So I grabbed four bars of chocolate and said "Which one of these is a KitKat?"

   It's easy to get people dancing at parties. Just hold up the line for the bathroom.

   Ever look at someone and think, "Nice cage, no bird"?

   It's a matter of finger's lickin' where I'm Lovin' It and you can still Have It Your Way ;)

   If women are from Venus, then why can't we send them back?

   Be who you are, not who others try to make you

   the only one on facebook that don't have a kid, where can I purchase one before fathersday??

   If you call it Starbs one more time I might just totes murds you.

   No, seriously. My dog called 'Shotgun' - get in the back seat.

   Justin Bieber will be charged with one count of misdemeanor vandalism for throwing eggs at his neighbor's home in January. Or as he calls that, “street cred.”

   *shows up at your work* "Hi, it's me. From the internet."

   for this of you who ever accused me of being full of sh*t, my colonoscopy prep work has now proven you otherwise!

   Most stress is caused by three things: family, money, and family with no money.

   Remember when Joan Rivers didnt look a day over $225,000

   I'm pretty sure it was ISIS that put the new U2 album in our iTunes libraries with hopes that Bono's voice would make our heads explode.