Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fat chick posts a picture on Facebook* "Fresh out the shower (; " Me: "You spelled ocean wrong."

   I'm having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.

   When my atheist friend pisses me off, I tell him to Go to Heaven!!

   Star Wars fans never get laid because they're looking for love in Alderaan places.

   Dr. House would’ve solved this covid crap in 20 minutes flat.

   Here's a fun math trick. Let's start with the number 100. Now take your age. If you believe anything that QAnon spews, subtract your age from 100. You now have your IQ.

   Religion will never reform or save mankind because Religion is a form of slavery.

   What's the difference between a illegal and a park bench??? A park bench can support a family

   When I'm grilling a stake, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

   Modern technology now has a camera with a shutter speed so fast, it can capture an image of a woman with her mouth shut.

   It's so cold out... the guy at Super America has a towel on his head.

   Its funny that people are upset with a gay character in a Disney movie but are perfectly fine with beastuality

   Rush-hour traffic is flowing smoothly, and there are no accidents on all major freeways. #DayWithoutWomen

   My friend Sierra tried to throw her empty soda can in the trash. Unfortunately, Sierra Mist.

   The blow up doll guy! You can tell jokes about anything you know? Though Trump gags may get removed!

   Your like a 5 hr energy drink. Fast & Easy. 

   Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.

   While pumping gas, if you listen closely, you can hear the pump telling your kid's college fund to go "F" itself.

   How does Robocop have so many rounds of bullets in that little clip??

   you better get a condom for your heart cause i'm about to f*ck your feelings...