Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   giving love a bad name

   my ex-boyfriend thinks I miss him, but I don't miss him, I miss his d!@k... Unfortunately, there's no way to separate the two... not legally anyway!

   This is my bed, it's where I jerk off. That's my couch, it's also where I jerk off. Over there is the bathroom, I jerk off in there too.

   Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.

   Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair?

   My wife’s got tîts like coconuts. Hairy as fûck.

   I'm just a boy.. standing in front of a girl.. asking her to love him.. long time.

   You know the chilli you had last night was good, when you have to wipe your a$$ with a snow cone!!!

   had the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

   ...When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It...Well Played, Wally. Well Played.

   A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

   that was a sweet lifeguard job till the stupid blue kid got me fired.

   WTF....Its rains cats and dogs and now birds! But not one single cougar or beaver!!!

   wishes google maps had an "avoid ghetto" routing option

   Wishes the protestors would occupy Iran, North Korea, & Syria, instead of Wall street

   The only thing worse than a male chauvinist pig, is a militant feminist that can't cook and won't do as she is told.

   Lady Gaga taught me its okay to be different. Ke$ha taught me to be myself and not care what anyone else thinks.Bruno Mars taught me to do anything for that one person I loveMost importantly, Rebecca Black taught me the days of the week.

   I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

   Being skinny with abs is like being fat with big boobs... doesn't count.