Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.

   the Washington redskins should change their name to the foreskins, they could wear purple helmets

   ~ Creationisn: Because it's easier to read and believe one book than read several ones based on scientific fact.

   Obama is losing support from his own party. In fact Jimmy Carter just compared him to Jimmy Carter.

   With Oprah leaving TV, the sales of big screen TV's is sure to drop.

   If ten percent is good enough for God; it should be good enough forObama...

   i'll be burger king and you'll be mcdonalds...ill be doing it my way and you'll be lovin it

   Click "Like" if you're for team Zimmerman. Click "Unfriend" if you're for team Martin.

   giving love a bad name

   my ex-boyfriend thinks I miss him, but I don't miss him, I miss his d!@k... Unfortunately, there's no way to separate the two... not legally anyway!

   This is my bed, it's where I jerk off. That's my couch, it's also where I jerk off. Over there is the bathroom, I jerk off in there too.

   Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.

   Do Amish murderers get the acoustic chair?

   My wife’s got tîts like coconuts. Hairy as fûck.

   I'm just a boy.. standing in front of a girl.. asking her to love him.. long time.

   You know the chilli you had last night was good, when you have to wipe your a$$ with a snow cone!!!

   had the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.

   ...When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

   Went To The Library To Get A "Wheres Waldo" Book, But When I Got There I Couldn't Find It...Well Played, Wally. Well Played.

   A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.