Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about limousines, but I have nothing to chauffeur it.

   Happy Alcoholidays

   It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

   never run from a fat cop......he won't chase you, but you wont get away either.

   full of whimsical f*ckery

   stop taking life so seriously, noone is getting out alive anyway...

   I wish I had had Dora's parents . They let her little A$$ go anywhere

   Thinks artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

   this just in...authorities have photographic evidence of George Bush turning a huge Icelandic Volcano Valve in his back yard,,,,I knew it...

   Hating is the sincerest form of flattery...

   Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop

   To show my support for all the democracy protesters in the Middle East, I am shaving my balls today(They were getting hairy and I needed an excuse)

   The Count from Sesame Street had OCD, right?

   If you're physically knocking someone down to get into the Casey Anthony trial then you need a letter from a mental health specialist proving why you're unemployable

   My drunken Uncle always says, "Never trouble trouble until trouble troubles you."

   Just filled up my gas tank and now I have to explain to the kids I don't have why there won't be a Christmas this year.

   I remain concerned that without Internet access, the people of Egypt may not know that Charlie Sheen is okay.

   When you open a big bag of cotton balls, is the top one ment to be trown away?

   at home snorting Dorito dust.

   34 days till steak and rh day! :D