Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

   unscrewing a bottle of his favorite wine...Chateau Libido! ;)

   I hate that sinking feeling you get after reading or hearing something you wish you hadn't.

   A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.

   Note to Self: Stop posting personal things on Facebook and make appointment at the free clinic.

   Apparently the police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. She said "I don't know exactly... but put me down for a 5."

   wants you to think of the word "Politics". Poly means "many" and "ticks" are blood sucking creatures.

   I spent a lot of time trying to come up with a pun about limousines, but I have nothing to chauffeur it.

   Happy Alcoholidays

   It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

   never run from a fat cop......he won't chase you, but you wont get away either.

   full of whimsical f*ckery

   stop taking life so seriously, noone is getting out alive anyway...

   I wish I had had Dora's parents . They let her little A$$ go anywhere

   Thinks artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

   this just in...authorities have photographic evidence of George Bush turning a huge Icelandic Volcano Valve in his back yard,,,,I knew it...

   Hating is the sincerest form of flattery...

   Did anybody ever end up getting Jay-Z a what what? I think he also asked for a woop woop

   To show my support for all the democracy protesters in the Middle East, I am shaving my balls today(They were getting hairy and I needed an excuse)

   The Count from Sesame Street had OCD, right?