Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just to be sure, I write "That's You!" on all my mirrors

   Somewhere out there, someone's grandma's recipe for dill bread reads ".. allow dill dough to rise".

   God-damnit, you are giving me attitude, stress, grief, heartache and you are not even my girlfriend.

   JERSEY SNORE. And No! That's not a typo ;)

   What's the difference between a Catholic mother and a Jewish mother? A Catholic mother says "If you don't eat this, I'll kill you.", a Jewish mother says "If you don't eat this, I'll kill myself.".

   Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else You are the one who gets burned” –Buddha

   looking forward to showering with his brand-new "William-and-Kate-Royal-Wedding-Marketing-Hype-Souvenir-Soap-on-a-Rope".

   Dear Airlines,,, We never REALLY tirned our phones off anyhow...................Signed,, EVERYONE

   Obama leaned in, pointed to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, and murmured, "I tapped that." #NSA

   It's always awkward ending phone calls with people you love. I always say, "I love you" and they're like "Thank you for choosing Domino's Pizza."

   I feel bad for Arab Americans that truely want to get into crop dusting.\

   When I'm bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.

   my neighbor stopped me while I was mowing to brag about his new mower, I said thats nice and all but I still have a bigger deck. ..

   Everyone keeps complaining about the extreme cold weather, do you know what it does to the bugs that torment you in the summer?

   Scott Weiland, Lemmy Kilmister, David Bowie, Glenn Frey. Must be one helluva jam session going on in Heaven tonight.

   it just me or would Bernie Sanders sound a lot smarter if we surgically fused his mouth to a kazoo...???

   has watched so much kids TV lately that women that look like Dora are starting to turn his head. Swiper! No swiping!

   jones'ing for a Shamrock shake....

   Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

   What do you call a man with a spade in his head? You call him an ambulance, obviously.