Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone says to me "hi how are you" I say "high how are you" and they never seem to get it.

   The f***ing thing I f***ing like the most in the f***ing english language is that you can f***ing put the f***ing word "f***ing" every f***ing place you f***ing want.

   I believe in whatever makes me happy without making other people sad. That's my religion.

   .... Turns out those Hillary and Bernie signs make really great firewood .....

   I bet aliens would visit us more if will smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here.

   "WHAT DO WE WANT?"... FEWER QUESTIONS... "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"... GODDAMNIT DAVE, WE'RE SERIOUS

   If you ever want to see a man cry... Put a beer in one hand and a naked woman in the other... And... MAKE HIM CHOOSE!

   If you cross the N. Korean or Mexican border illegally, you get 12yrs. hard labor If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally,you get shot. If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get a job,a driver's license, food stamps,place to live, health care

   have sex not children

   Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   Theres a special place in hell reserved fo the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends..

   You know you love your wife if you've ever written a hush money check to a porn star on Valentine's day.

   Dear vegetarians, my food sh!ts on your food.

   Going to Walmart because Target requires a shower.

   So who is the bitter old man who started these damn "she's to young for you bro" crap? So she didn't like you, "Bitter party of one?...Bitter party of one......"

   My girlfriend asked me for another word for incorrect. Of course, my answer was wrong.

   The philosopher has never killed any priests, whereas the priest has killed a great many philosophers.

   Being dyslexic has drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat

   if there's a camera flash in the picture, she's prolly too ugly for you bro!

   Whenever a person uses "then" instead of "than" on Facebook, an angel drop kicks a puppy.