Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   okay here it goes.. like this status.. and I'll drop kick you down some steps then stab you with a fork

   issuing a warning ,Red Bull will not give you wings

   Don't call yourself a pitbull and then act like a gay chihuahua.

   Obama banned from Call of Duty for using unlimited drone strikes cheat. Biden’s in the corner with a SNES controller making airplane sounds.

   Quick question, ladies: If you shave your eyebrows off and then draw them back on, then what are you actually doing?

   A guy is on a tightrope between two skyscrapers. Another guy is getting a smokejob from a 90 year old lady. What are they both thinking?...Don't look down.

   Dear Facebook: If I have 62 friends in common with someone and we're still not friends ... it means I don't like them!!! Take a damn hint.

   When someone says to me "hi how are you" I say "high how are you" and they never seem to get it.

   The f***ing thing I f***ing like the most in the f***ing english language is that you can f***ing put the f***ing word "f***ing" every f***ing place you f***ing want.

   I believe in whatever makes me happy without making other people sad. That's my religion.

   .... Turns out those Hillary and Bernie signs make really great firewood .....

   I bet aliens would visit us more if will smith didn't punch them in the head as soon as they got here.

   "WHAT DO WE WANT?"... FEWER QUESTIONS... "WHEN DO WE WANT IT?"... GODDAMNIT DAVE, WE'RE SERIOUS

   If you ever want to see a man cry... Put a beer in one hand and a naked woman in the other... And... MAKE HIM CHOOSE!

   If you cross the N. Korean or Mexican border illegally, you get 12yrs. hard labor If you cross the Afghanistan border illegally,you get shot. If you cross the U.S. border illegally you get a job,a driver's license, food stamps,place to live, health care

   have sex not children

   Whenever I have a bad day,,, I just remind myself that there are people out there who have their ex's name tattooed on their body

   Theres a special place in hell reserved fo the guy that decided what time McDonalds beakfast ends..

   You know you love your wife if you've ever written a hush money check to a porn star on Valentine's day.

   Dear vegetarians, my food sh!ts on your food.