Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can never be happy if you’re trapped in the past and fearful of the future. Living in the present is the only way to be happy.

   I've got problems and you're several of them.....

   Never have I felt like my childhood is a lie like today when I saw a man step on a banana peel and didn’t trip and fall.

   If stalking was considered a romantic gesture I'd probably be married by now.

   Facebook can turn a real life devil into an online angel with a well written status...Power of the internet!!!

   I accidentally posted a rhetorical question on Facebook,,, Now I'm banging my head against the wall,, but on the bright side, I have a growing list of people to hide my posts from

   My neighbour does a lot of digging in his yard. I think he may be a serial killer. Excuse me guys, I'm going to give him my Karma list.

   I date crazy girls because I like the rush of staring death in the face and living to tell about it.

   A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

   Sometimes you don't get the chance to choose when things happen.

   The only kind of shark I have actually encountered wears a cheap suit and hangs around court buildings.

   I hate my job working in the reception at a doctors surgery. Every time I call in sick they make me come in....

   Similarities create relationships, but its the differences that hold them together.

   Do I still call it morning if I never went to sleep because the shadow on my celling looked like a kitten with a butcher's knife?

   I received one of those posts that says your porn name is the color of your underwear and whatever is immediately to your right.... so my porn name is Yellow Chinese Guy.

   Knowing something is a terrible idea and doing it anyway is my specialty.

   Nobody talk to me until I've Instagrammed my coffee.

   There's just some day you want to hear Kripke from Big Bang Theory sing "Rollin" by Limp Bizkit.

   Karma= the joy of watching someone get what they deserve. Professionalism= the ability to sit back,enjoy the show and keep your mouth shut.

   I wonder how many Canadian marriages resulted from not knowing how to end the conversation due to extreme politeness.