Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get my daily starches through vodka.

   I'm just a guy searching for love and someone to bang the hell out of.

   Dude, I gave you a pen not a chew toy!

   I know my limit....until I start drinking

   with the intergration of females into the NFL referee ranks the need for instant replay will soon be a thing of the past. In my experience WOMEN ARE NEVER WRONG!! SO this is a Win!!Win!!

   Ladies, that guy you hate is now doing some chick that will take every cent he has if that makes you feel better.

   It should be an Olympic event to press "skip this ad" on YouTube before I find out what it was for.

   they did an MRI of my brain.....they found nothing.

   You can never be happy if you’re trapped in the past and fearful of the future. Living in the present is the only way to be happy.

   I've got problems and you're several of them.....

   Never have I felt like my childhood is a lie like today when I saw a man step on a banana peel and didn’t trip and fall.

   If stalking was considered a romantic gesture I'd probably be married by now.

   Facebook can turn a real life devil into an online angel with a well written status...Power of the internet!!!

   I accidentally posted a rhetorical question on Facebook,,, Now I'm banging my head against the wall,, but on the bright side, I have a growing list of people to hide my posts from

   My neighbour does a lot of digging in his yard. I think he may be a serial killer. Excuse me guys, I'm going to give him my Karma list.

   I date crazy girls because I like the rush of staring death in the face and living to tell about it.

   A dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

   Sometimes you don't get the chance to choose when things happen.

   The only kind of shark I have actually encountered wears a cheap suit and hangs around court buildings.

   I hate my job working in the reception at a doctors surgery. Every time I call in sick they make me come in....