Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two Franciscan priests opened a Long John Silver's franchise. One was the fish friar and the other was the chip monk.

   I love ruining the plot of Dorian Gray for people. Never gets old.

   My doctor put me on a low sodium/no alcohol diet recently. I've lost 6 pounds so far... I also know joy weighs 6 pounds now.

   I don't care what anybody else says. "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" is the greatest diss track ever written.

   Don't you hate it when someone is willing to take the credit when something is a success, but when it’s a FAILURE, it’s ALWAYS, somebody else’s fault?

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   We are 3 months into 2019 and it's still January

   I thought my pet rock was sick... Turns out it was just stoned

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, was he voted as Most Likely to Secede?

   I don't understand people who say the moon landings were fake? I mean what did the government spend the 24 billion dollars on? To pay hundreds of thousands of people working on the Apollo program to sit around and play checkers?

   If you can't handle me at my [vomits] Then you don't deserve me at my [passes out]

   Morgan Freeman will be the narrator at his own trial.

   Did you know you don't need a parachute to skydive? You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice...

   A married couple in their 60's gets a vist from a fairy. Who says I will grant each of you a wish. The wife wish for a 2nd honey moon. Poof. Two tickets on a luxury cruse liner appear Husband I'd like my wife to be 30 years younger than me Poof he's 92

   Her: How deep is your love? Me: 8 inches. 3 if you actually have a ruler with you.

   It's beginning to feel a lot like Christmas needs to be less commercialized so remember whose birthday it is.

   I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

   My dad called and said my mom accidentally took one of his men's vitamins. I go, "Yeah, so?" He said she's been bugging him to take her to Hooters but she won't let him Google the directions.

   I very much doubt God wants you to hate anyone.

   to finish below status, to be born in Kenya but it wasnt socialist enough.