Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If God gave you a good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to give thanks. And if God gave you a not-so-good singing voice, you should sing loud in church to get back at Him.

   NASA announced that the Earth-like planets orbiting Trappist-1 already has about 300 Starbucks on them.

   I had lunch today with a chess player. I asked him to pass the salt and it took him 20 minutes.

   I'm wondering...did Bruce Jenner get a father's day gift on father's day, a mother's day gift on Mother's day, or gifts on both days? If he gets gifts on both days, then this all makes sense now.

   Hillary should be indicted. Trump will do something where he should be indicted. We're screwed. Eat Oreos.

   Just how can these folks afford to buy all of these weapons and ammunition while on Welfare and Food Stamps anyways? Last I checked those items really don't qualify for Food Stamp Purchases.

   If you love Jesus more than your husband then start praying the next time you need a jar open.

   Half the world is in a race war and the other half is running around catching Pokemon with their phones, and I'm just sitting here on my couch waiting for football season.

   I think an eye doctor should run for president in 2020 with the slogan "a perfect vision"

   Monica Lewinsky was asked if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever. She said, "Close but no cigar".

   Women that wear blue eyeshadow have a Motel 6 shower cap in their purse.

   The Donald is gonna have to learn how to Duck.

   The Story Of Milk: Good milk. Bad milk. Disgusting milk. Dangerous milk. Cheese! I love a happy ending.

   Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.

   Apparently 2016 is the year every amusement park ride was set to expire and fall apart mid-ride with people on it.

   What U-Haul really means is: U-Cheap. U-Won’t Pay for Movers. U-Bribed Your Friends with Pizza to Help.

   So, if a $3.50 cheeseburger has 350 calories, 2 of them for $5 only has 500 calories, right?

   hope the next presidential debate starts with a handshake, instead of Trump grabbing Hillary by.........

   OK .... Since the latest Leaks and emails surfacing are proving the facts to be true ..... Perhaps it's time to watch the movie "Clinton Cash" on YooToob to see what kind of person you are really voting for.

   I don't care what anybody else says. "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" is the greatest diss track ever written.