Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My life is just a series of flight or flight responses.

   Its probably safe to just start calling him "LL J"

   Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.

   Had a dream I banged Ellen Degeneres.... or a dude that looked like her. Its a little foggy.

   My kid will eat anything you put in front of him as long as its chicken nuggets.

   it possible to have been bitten by a radioactive sloth without knowing it? Can't find any other explanation for my symptoms.

   Could you just make my paycheck out to the liquor store? Thanks.

   If you don't like someone, fart in their microwave and set it for 15 minutes

   Have you tried just avoiding people?

   Once you see Pharrell’s hat you understand how he’d be happy in a room without a roof.

   People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...

   I Have No Idea What's Going On: A Guide to Dating

   It was just sex until I said "I do" and now we don't.

   The Lakers are signing players like Nicolas Cage picks his movies.

   some people build walls to see who cares enough to bring them down, others build walls because they’re in the construction industry.

   Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

   Since when did the bucket list turned into the bucket challenge. . .

   Dear Ladies We also have bouncy body parts, but you don't see us inserting wire into our underwear to keep them in place. Let em jiggle!

   I avoid becoming a hoarder by repeatedly getting married,, then losing half my crap in the divorce.

   You know the annual company meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.