Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Have you tried just avoiding people?

   Once you see Pharrell’s hat you understand how he’d be happy in a room without a roof.

   People at airports must not workout much because they are all using these treadmills wrong...

   I Have No Idea What's Going On: A Guide to Dating

   It was just sex until I said "I do" and now we don't.

   The Lakers are signing players like Nicolas Cage picks his movies.

   some people build walls to see who cares enough to bring them down, others build walls because they’re in the construction industry.

   Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

   Since when did the bucket list turned into the bucket challenge. . .

   Dear Ladies We also have bouncy body parts, but you don't see us inserting wire into our underwear to keep them in place. Let em jiggle!

   I avoid becoming a hoarder by repeatedly getting married,, then losing half my crap in the divorce.

   You know the annual company meeting has gone completely downhill when someone suggests sacrificing a chicken.

   That moment when she ask if you notice anything about her and you just can't find anything different about her, so you fake a seizure.

   How come know-it-alls, don't know how annoying they are?

   Scientists have discovered that thinking about revenge lights up the same areas of the brain as chocolate. So it's true… revenge is sweet

   How much for the girlfriend? Sir that's a bottle of Vodka.

   Experience has taught me some pretty valuable lessons... Mainly, to always carry hush money.

   Driving to Starbucks without having had coffee first, driving while impaired. Same thing really.

   My boss wants me to take a training class in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to be able to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   "YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?" - guy that just got a new kite for his birthday