Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I give them a big hug. I can only imagine how hard life must be for the visually impaired.

   I'm wearing the boxer shorts with the little hearts all over them tonight.... It's probably not a good night to go to jail...

   Procrastination ...... I'll make a joke about it later.

   Our local Golden Corral "Chocolate Waterfall" was shut down tonight because the drain was clogged up with band aids again...FTW

   You drink a lot. You use crude language. You have low morals. You're exactly what I'm looking for in a friend!

   How to find out if a girl is a slut in 2 steps. Step 1. Call her a slut. Step 2. Wait for her reply (If she jokes back...not a slut. If she gets pissed... then you found yourself a skeezer.

   I just bought some jokes from IKEA,,,, I'm still not sure how to put them together with this Hex Thingy......

   They should make car gas tanks more realistic, in the shape of asses.

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like 1 mirror at a time.

   A message to black belts age 10 and under: I feel like I have what it takes to beat you.

   If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

   History repeats itself...soon we'll all be on horses..robbing banks and carrying guns

   What do we want? A cure for TOURETTE'S! When do we want it? C@NT'S.

   Woman says: "Be honest with me"... Man hears: "Lie convincingly, or you'll be stuck talking about this for the next hour and a half; then every other week for the next six months; then, whenever she's mad/happy/bored and feels like bringing it up again.."

   Girlfriend: Baby, I'm Pregnant. What do you want it to be? . . . . . . Boyfriend: A joke.

   I'm lucky. I have no problem getting my husband to wear his wedding ring. He says it's a chick magnet.

   I wonder if Foosball tables look like shish kabob buffets to a cannibal.

   Okay, I'll admit it. I was one of those kids that took more than one candy bar while trick or treating from the houses that had those naive "Please just take one" baskets

   ohhh ohh wait wait.lemme guess you're dressed up as a.......PROSTITUE??? :D

   In the world of MTV, when a girl is in her sixteenth year she either gets an extravagant birthday party or a baby. Most sixteen-year-olds I know would settle for a new iPod.