Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My back is not a voicemail, say it to my face.

   I just had a big lunch at Taco Bell... Now I'm off to the woods to prove a point.......... :Yogi Bear

   People who complain on Yelp, It was one meal out of your entire life. Calm down.

   I sneezed and nobody blessed me... What happens now?! I'm scared.

   I still think The Hunger Games would be better with the characters from Glee fighting to the death.

   A scientific study says that we should sleep 9 hours a day... but personally I think we should sleep for 9 hours in a night too.

   Always change the channel before turning off the TV because expkauning the Playboy Channel and why two girls are kissing is hard at 7am

   Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I give them a big hug. I can only imagine how hard life must be for the visually impaired.

   I'm wearing the boxer shorts with the little hearts all over them tonight.... It's probably not a good night to go to jail...

   Procrastination ...... I'll make a joke about it later.

   Our local Golden Corral "Chocolate Waterfall" was shut down tonight because the drain was clogged up with band aids again...FTW

   You drink a lot. You use crude language. You have low morals. You're exactly what I'm looking for in a friend!

   How to find out if a girl is a slut in 2 steps. Step 1. Call her a slut. Step 2. Wait for her reply (If she jokes back...not a slut. If she gets pissed... then you found yourself a skeezer.

   I just bought some jokes from IKEA,,,, I'm still not sure how to put them together with this Hex Thingy......

   They should make car gas tanks more realistic, in the shape of asses.

   Thanks to Facebook, I now know what everyone's bathroom looks like 1 mirror at a time.

   A message to black belts age 10 and under: I feel like I have what it takes to beat you.

   If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all.

   History repeats itself...soon we'll all be on horses..robbing banks and carrying guns

   What do we want? A cure for TOURETTE'S! When do we want it? C@NT'S.