Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.

   If you haven't sharpened your lawnmower blades in over five years, you're not cutting the grass, you're combing it.

   Facebook Status - The new way to talk behind people's backs.

   apparently is not working fast enough today...the boss just walked by and said the last job I did was half-fast...

   When you're crying & someone asks you if you're sad, punch them in the face and ask them if they're ok?

   Excuse you, I'm in your way ... you should watch where I'm going!!

   still gets Rick Roll'd on youtube every once in awhile."

   Hiking is just walking where it's ok to pee. (sometimes old people hike by mistake)

   Can't wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this damn computer, and go stare at a different computer.

   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

   Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

   Let's go some place were we can each be alone

   Expect the best, Prepare for the worst.

   let's flip a coin. heads, i'm yours. tails, you're mine

   Alright so I ended up taking part in national unfriend day... it's going to be awkward telling my cat he is no longer my friend.

   The bad guys don't always wear black hats, the good guys rarely win, and the cavalry never, ever shows up just in the nick of time!

   Being honest doesn't mean you tell your Grandmother her breath stinks.

   growing up we all had that one friend that would raid your fridge and eat all the good snacks when all you did was offer them a drink. I was that friend

   Hates putting lights on the Christmas tree, she feels like an elf being punished for being to tall

   doing situps with a stomach virus isn't the smartest thing I have ever done! Time to call in CSI to get this mess cleaned up