Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hiking is just walking where it's ok to pee. (sometimes old people hike by mistake)

   Can't wait to get off work, then I can finally stop staring at this damn computer, and go stare at a different computer.

   A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

   Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.

   Let's go some place were we can each be alone

   Expect the best, Prepare for the worst.

   let's flip a coin. heads, i'm yours. tails, you're mine

   Alright so I ended up taking part in national unfriend day... it's going to be awkward telling my cat he is no longer my friend.

   The bad guys don't always wear black hats, the good guys rarely win, and the cavalry never, ever shows up just in the nick of time!

   Being honest doesn't mean you tell your Grandmother her breath stinks.

   growing up we all had that one friend that would raid your fridge and eat all the good snacks when all you did was offer them a drink. I was that friend

   Hates putting lights on the Christmas tree, she feels like an elf being punished for being to tall

   doing situps with a stomach virus isn't the smartest thing I have ever done! Time to call in CSI to get this mess cleaned up

   Will the person who keeps the electronic eye attatched to the toilets real sensative, please quit. I want to use the bathroom, not a bidet.

   Condoms are like newspapers....sure they are filled with good stuff today but you sure don't want them around tomorrow...

   I'm not sure why, but to me Cheerios sound like the happiest of all circular shaped cereals.

   Nothing Says You Are Celebrating the Birth of Our Nation, Like Blowing Up a Small Part of It!!!

   Suffering from male pattern drunkenness.

   1 in 5 people are Chinese. I wonder if my mom and dad know which one of my brothers it is?

   walking on sunshine...and it kinda burns