Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Three Basic Rules of Plumbing: Hot goes on the left, cold goes on the right and $h!t doesn't flow uphill.

   I'm not giving any more money to the homeless. They're just going to spend it on cardboard and Sharpie's!

   All any of us really want is someone to be a Chunk to our Sloth.

   Ctrl+V...Ruining every sense of originality since its invention.

   going insane in sane places.

   just started my new job as an Historian this morning. I've got a big day behind me.

   To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

   sometimes stops when walking into a store, waiting for the automatic doors to open. Then I realize they aren't automatic.

   ever notice that when a story starts out with "I swear that I'm not sh*tting you"...they ARE sh*tting you?

   stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

   I am embarrassed for my co-workers. I am the only person in the building who remembered to wear a toga today.

   Coffee, the finest organic suspension ever devised.

   if quitters never win and winners never quit.....who is the idiot that came up with quit while you're ahead?

   The unrest in Iran makes me proud to live in a country where corrupt politicians are smart enough to keep rigged elections close...

   Monday has been calling me and just breathing heavily into the phone until I hang up...

   so awesome, that when I go swimming, dolphins appear.

   got along fine before I knew you... and I'll be even better after you're a faded memory.

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the toilet.

   Happy Birthday old friend...(note to self) keep fire extinquisher handy just in case.

   Happy 9.02.10! I'll see you at the Peach Pit...