Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sometimes stops when walking into a store, waiting for the automatic doors to open. Then I realize they aren't automatic.

   ever notice that when a story starts out with "I swear that I'm not sh*tting you"...they ARE sh*tting you?

   stress is when you wake up screaming and realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

   I am embarrassed for my co-workers. I am the only person in the building who remembered to wear a toga today.

   Coffee, the finest organic suspension ever devised.

   if quitters never win and winners never quit.....who is the idiot that came up with quit while you're ahead?

   The unrest in Iran makes me proud to live in a country where corrupt politicians are smart enough to keep rigged elections close...

   Monday has been calling me and just breathing heavily into the phone until I hang up...

   so awesome, that when I go swimming, dolphins appear.

   got along fine before I knew you... and I'll be even better after you're a faded memory.

   The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the toilet.

   Happy Birthday old friend...(note to self) keep fire extinquisher handy just in case.

   Happy 9.02.10! I'll see you at the Peach Pit...

   Aerodynamically the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know that so it goes on flying anyway.

   If you haven't sharpened your lawnmower blades in over five years, you're not cutting the grass, you're combing it.

   Facebook Status - The new way to talk behind people's backs.

   apparently is not working fast enough today...the boss just walked by and said the last job I did was half-fast...

   When you're crying & someone asks you if you're sad, punch them in the face and ask them if they're ok?

   Excuse you, I'm in your way ... you should watch where I'm going!!

   still gets Rick Roll'd on youtube every once in awhile."