Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i will never buy a foam finger again !

   I go into Best Buy and ask "Where are your most expensive yet least guarded items?" Then someone is always nearby when I have questions.

   Simple cure for childhood obesity: Ice Cream Trucks that don't Stop.

   If you can't handle me at my drunkest, you don't deserve me when I'm sober.

   I don't take my wallet to work because I'm afraid someone will steal it while I'm sleeping.

   You can find true happiness inside yourself! Haha, almost had you. I'll meet you at the liquor store.

   OLYMPIC GYMNAST 2012: Jumps 20 feet in the air, defies all laws of physics, does 10 backflips, defeats voldemort, comes back down and lands perfectly on the balance beam while fireworks go off in the background. ME: I fall on face as I try putting socks

   I hate when I can't find a decent status update to steal.

   Sometimes its just better to buy new Tupperware than to risk opening the leftovers.

   Watching a show about surviving in the wild in case I ever decide to log off and go outside.

   I could really, really use some shenanigans.

   A kid came to my door dressed as Tony Romo. I asked him why he had no candy in his bag. He said he used to but he turned it over.

   I wonder if Disney is gonna make the Epcot Center look like the Death Star now

   I think my virginity is growing back.

   Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.

   I'm at my white trashiest when I'm on the front porch with a group of people trying to figure out why the cops are 2 houses down.

   My life coach advised me to run out the clock.

   You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”

   People will stop making small talk with you if you simply wear clown makeup whenever you're out in public.

   If you're gonna take a selfie at a funeral, at least get the casket in the background!