Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Groundhog just slid a note under the door that read 6 more months winter. Don't worry I've got my shotgun and I'm asking him again.

   I have come to the conclusion that my adult life was contrived by a stoned teenager.

   Nothing worse than getting paid on Friday, after you spent your entire check on Thursday

   Don't be too proud of what you have now. Be proud of what you had to do to get it.

   here's a condom...'cause I'm thoughtful and I want you to be safe when you go F&*k yourself.

   Today is "Work Like A Dog Day". SO, I shall eat, sleep and wag my tail. Oh and maybe slobber a bit.

   ‎"Mounted in Alaska" ... Prolly coulda come up with a better name for that show.

   I laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

   When Johnny Walker does his taxes, he puts me as a dependant...

   My neighbor is having such a hard time, he was divorced 2 months ago and then broke his wrist this week- I told him look at the bright side, now you can change your relationship from single to its complicated

   Saw an ad in the paper about making money buying abandoned self storage units. Or as I like to call it: entry level grave robbing.

   needs a facebook button that says 'stfu already'

   Just choked on someone's fart cloud in the computer lab. The Rapture can't come soon enough.

   you know my phone battery kinda lasts a lot longer now that I don't have a girl freind .

   If you ever reach a point in life when you are 'too old' or 'too mature' to enjoy Hey Arnold, you're dead inside

   I don't have to be wearing a coat in july to be told I look hot!

   That rather uneasy moment when someone compliments you and you can't find anything to compliment them on.

   Men always want to be a woman's first love. Women have a more subtle instinct; what they like to be is a man's last romance.

   you notice how every new movie that comes out is labeled as "the #1 movie in america" they should stop with that, cause its getting old!

   If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.