Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a guy I think you can learn so much by listening to two women talk to each other..Unless they are talking about periods then you just need to excuse yourself...Cuz some mysteries should remain unsolved...

   Pretending to care about what the birthday card says, but you really just want the money.

   Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee.

   no need to google, my wife know everything :P

   Shut up voices!! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again!!

   My wife said I was disrespectful and I was thinkin' does that mean she's gonna get me a beer or not?

   Advice of the day for women: Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old… as long as you buy him a few drinks first. ;)

   Sheryl Crow has a cookbook out called "If It Makes You Healthy..." The complete title should be "If It Makes You Healthy...Then Why The Hell Does It Taste So Bland..."

   todays weight loss tip: use super glue as lipgloss

   I guess having a rope tied between two trees in your backyard does not mean you "own your own clothing line".

   If having Rainbow Bright stickers on my face is wrong, I don't want to be right

   To get an Irishman to climb on the roof, tell him that the drinks are on the house

   My typical morning where I can turn water into coffee!!

   After watching Transformers, I just spent an hour in my garage telling my car that I know his secret. Maybe he's just shy.

   Restaraunt pagers for long waits can be fun. Just ask to use the toilet while waiting then apologize to the Hostess for dropping it in the really messy toilet as youre seated. Note the look on her face and have fun reliving that moment as you finally eat

   I wonder if Professional Boxers ever tell their friends that they are "as pleased as punch."

   It cracks me up that most people who say "you don't know sh!t from Shinola" don't know what hell Shinola is in the first place.

   trust and friendship can be tested by how long a person borrows an item of yours for so long and return it back in the same condition.

   Can pregnant people use the car pool lane?

   [seen above a urinal] Your child's future is in your hands.