Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Good news. They are opening the beaches on the Gulf. They are changing the signs from "swim at your own risk" to "Caution Flammable!".

   So, ladies..... when you don't feel like using the "Shakeweight," do you tell yourself you have a headache?

   ok... it's been well over 4 hours and this thing aint gone down... do I keep going or call my doctor??

   Jet Blue steward Steven Slater offered reality show to help people quit their jobs. I'm gonna bet it won't be the first pilot he's done!

   See! I told you that someone would still find you attractive! At least he's not your real dad.

   I just met a very nice man who said he loves children. Then I found out he was on parole for it.

   never knew they mined for chili. You learn something new every day.

   having a drink for the Chilean miners tonight... all 33 of them.

   Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex boyfriend I will be there lol

   As a guy I think you can learn so much by listening to two women talk to each other..Unless they are talking about periods then you just need to excuse yourself...Cuz some mysteries should remain unsolved...

   Pretending to care about what the birthday card says, but you really just want the money.

   Mothers are those wonderful people who can get up in the morning before the smell of coffee.

   no need to google, my wife know everything :P

   Shut up voices!! Or I'll poke you with a Q-tip again!!

   My wife said I was disrespectful and I was thinkin' does that mean she's gonna get me a beer or not?

   Advice of the day for women: Any woman can have the body of a 21 year old… as long as you buy him a few drinks first. ;)

   Sheryl Crow has a cookbook out called "If It Makes You Healthy..." The complete title should be "If It Makes You Healthy...Then Why The Hell Does It Taste So Bland..."

   todays weight loss tip: use super glue as lipgloss

   I guess having a rope tied between two trees in your backyard does not mean you "own your own clothing line".

   If having Rainbow Bright stickers on my face is wrong, I don't want to be right