Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   For Sale: Lots of snow, you Haul!!!

   What do you mean life is to short?... Its the longest bloody thing you could ever go through!

   They say that three out of four Americans have a mental illness of some kind. Look at three of your friends. If they seem okay,then you're that person.

   Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same

   for people who think an invisible object cant kill you try hitting and invisible block on mario bros

   When people I don't know ask me what I do for a living I shout "Karma," and punch them before running away.

   before lady Di, I never heard of Paparazzi.., I thought it was a circus act or something

   I'm Your Huckleberry

   Love is like a soccer ball, everybody runs to have that ball, and when they have it they kick it away..

   I'm a homophobophobe. Seriously, those bigots scare the heck out of me.

   America is getting up there in age, but i'd still do her. God Bless America!

   Good news. They are opening the beaches on the Gulf. They are changing the signs from "swim at your own risk" to "Caution Flammable!".

   So, ladies..... when you don't feel like using the "Shakeweight," do you tell yourself you have a headache?

   ok... it's been well over 4 hours and this thing aint gone down... do I keep going or call my doctor??

   Jet Blue steward Steven Slater offered reality show to help people quit their jobs. I'm gonna bet it won't be the first pilot he's done!

   See! I told you that someone would still find you attractive! At least he's not your real dad.

   I just met a very nice man who said he loves children. Then I found out he was on parole for it.

   never knew they mined for chili. You learn something new every day.

   having a drink for the Chilean miners tonight... all 33 of them.

   Any time a girl wants to get back at her ex boyfriend I will be there lol