Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Every cab is the cash cab if you've got a gun.

   I'm not saying she was tall, but the woman could hunt geese with a rake!

   Tip: If you are ever involved in a murder and have to hide the body, don't hide it in the last spot they'll look,,, hide it in the spot after that

   Religious people are so nice. They're always trying to make travel plans for you.

   In love, you either win someone's heart or lose your liver... !

   Dirty talk? No thanks. I'm not into weird stuff. Now hurry up and put on this Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle costume before I lose my erection.

   Miley was front page news longer than the last school shooting...

   Hey,, just drank so much Gatorade, I could literally kick a basketball right now, or however sports work or whatever

   I'm me. I like me. It took me a while to realize it, but I have no other choice. I'm stuck with myself.

   I don't understand why mothers say, "I just had a newborn baby." If you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just pushed a 2 month old out your crotch.

   Ford F-150 commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   NASA didn't make that happen, someone else did!

   Next time you're sad remember there are many things you should be thankful about. For example, that you're not Khloe Kardashian's mirror.

   Pet peeve: Toilets that flush for me the moment I stand up. I'd like to see the work I've done before it is instantly taken away from me.

   Its 2015, why do babies still have cords.

   Do these celebrities actually expect us to believe they're using boxed DIY hair color? Please....

   Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…

   I read today that when you have sex, you burn as many calories as running five miles. Who the hell runs five miles in two minutes??!!

   I froze my balls off this morning. It is so cold I am not even going to go find them. They can stay there until the snow melts.

   I heard that Hillary Clinton saw her shadow this morning,,, so it looks like we're getting six more weeks of pantsuits.