Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't understand why mothers say, "I just had a newborn baby." If you just had a baby, the newborn part is assumed. Nobody thinks you just pushed a 2 month old out your crotch.

   Ford F-150 commercials make it seem as if hauling loads of crumbled boulders over mountainous terrain is a commonly-practiced thing.

   NASA didn't make that happen, someone else did!

   Next time you're sad remember there are many things you should be thankful about. For example, that you're not Khloe Kardashian's mirror.

   Pet peeve: Toilets that flush for me the moment I stand up. I'd like to see the work I've done before it is instantly taken away from me.

   Its 2015, why do babies still have cords.

   Do these celebrities actually expect us to believe they're using boxed DIY hair color? Please....

   Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…

   I read today that when you have sex, you burn as many calories as running five miles. Who the hell runs five miles in two minutes??!!

   I froze my balls off this morning. It is so cold I am not even going to go find them. They can stay there until the snow melts.

   I heard that Hillary Clinton saw her shadow this morning,,, so it looks like we're getting six more weeks of pantsuits.

   Girls, what's your deal with your birthday? You get one day, not a week, not a month. Get over yourself...

   Just anounced if you own a MAC you can now access the Obamacare website

   In hell, women are even more right.

   Big shout out to fat dudes on crotch rockets for making us all laugh a little bit

   I'm going to switch my insurance from Geico to Allstate, then Statefarm, then back to Geico. If i'm correct, they should owe me $950.

   Well, since we can't be younger, let's be stupid.

   Finally shaved my legs...donated it to Locks of Love

   You heard about the snowstorm in Georgia. A snowstorm in Atlanta resulted in a 10-hour traffic jam. To which people in Los Angeles responded, "You guys need snow for that?

   Colorado has legalized both marijuana and gay marriage. Leviticus 20:13 says "If a man lies with a man as he would with a woman, they should both be stoned." Wow! I've been reading it wrong all this time.