Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Single.. because my ex was such a loser..

   You know it's time to do laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

   My doctor's waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more beautiful women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And booze.

   Me? Stalk? Nah, I just observe... behind a tree... at night..in the rain

   The new craze: Corduroy pillows! They're making head lines.

   If you listen to the new Coldplay album on very good speakers you can actually hear the band growing ovaries.

   says if you want to feel skinny, hang out with a group of fat people.

   thinks that friends are the most important part of your life. Treasure the tears, treasure the laughter, but most importantly, treasure the memories

   thinks her Chia Pet has rabies

   just Became a Fan of I dont care about your farm, or your fish, or your park, or your mafia!!!

   attracting success like a magnet!

   ‎"Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished...."

   Aww c'mon...everybody knows ho is short for honey.

   has a time machine. I get in and it takes me seven hours into the future. I call it......a bed. Goodnight.

   Automatic doors make me feel like a Jedi

   could tell his parents hated him... his bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

   Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him for the entire weekend.

   just checked in @ none of your god damn business

   doesn't want none unless you got buns hun

   We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by.