Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pshhhh I did not fall… The floor looked at me funny so I used my mad ninja skills to attack

   Does anyone have a good marinade recipe for Spotted Owl?

   I am enjoying a threesome - Me, My Couch & My TV

   Dude! He just called you a thief! Oh HELL NO, hold his wallet!

   Life is full of fake people. Before you decide to judge them, make sure you're not one of them. ♥

   Lost a lot of Xmas Manger characters, but 2 Wise Men and a He-Man will do.

   Christmas is the time for giving family. So I'm giving away my family 'cause I'm efficient like that.

   *Breathing hard* Today, I finally ran for 1 mile without stopping. STUPID ice cream man just kept driving even though I waved my money in the air...

   Go to church....the wine is free.

   Qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm backwards is mnbvcxzlkjhgfdsapoiuytrewq ,,,, Now 14% of you will proof this for accuracy,,, and then die alone.....Asses

   Single.. because my ex was such a loser..

   You know it's time to do laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

   My doctor's waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more beautiful women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And booze.

   Me? Stalk? Nah, I just observe... behind a tree... at night..in the rain

   The new craze: Corduroy pillows! They're making head lines.

   If you listen to the new Coldplay album on very good speakers you can actually hear the band growing ovaries.

   says if you want to feel skinny, hang out with a group of fat people.

   thinks that friends are the most important part of your life. Treasure the tears, treasure the laughter, but most importantly, treasure the memories

   thinks her Chia Pet has rabies

   just Became a Fan of I dont care about your farm, or your fish, or your park, or your mafia!!!