Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   id hate to be a vegetarian in Russia....everything suddenly tastes a little meteor

   If God gave you a good singing voice, sing loud in church to give thanks. If God gave you a bad singing voice, sing loud in church to get even.

   A Christian asked me what it's like to be an Athiest. I asked him if he beileved in Islam. He said "no", I said "like that.." :)

   The way Obama keeps blaming everything on George W. Bush... I really don't think Bush has a chance of winning the election!

   Don't underestimate the power of a fresh, odorless, clean and well-maintained puss y, Ladies.

   thinking 9000 people are having sex right now, 2000 are kissing, 1000 getting head and you are reading my status. Hang in there sunshine

   Something smells in Washington...I think they have a little B.O. problem...

   If your phone gets wet, try putting it in rice over night. This will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.

   Hmmm,,, Is there any way we can get Trump in a "Truman Show" thing where he thinks he won and is president,,, and we can watch what he does?

   By all that is holy... Jessica Biel better name her baby Batmo when he's born...

   If you didn't want her 6 years ago, why do you want her now?

   Making mirrors look good since 1992

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet, I have to watch and make sure it doesn't come back, zombie style, with revenge in its tiny heart.

   Then the Mermaid looked at me and kissed me.. I stopped her & said, " I can't"...."Something smells fishy here"

   My colleague just told me that her grandmother or cat or something just died... the booger in her nose was so huge I couldn't focus.

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!

   Tried on the new Magnum condom today....The Damn thing looked like a tube sock hanging off a door knob!

   Just got back from watching that movie The Hunger Games. Was very disappointed. Turns out it's NOT Ethiopia's version of the Olympics.

   I can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee....today is my birthday and I am 70!!