Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Making mirrors look good since 1992

   Whenever I flush a bug down the toilet, I have to watch and make sure it doesn't come back, zombie style, with revenge in its tiny heart.

   Then the Mermaid looked at me and kissed me.. I stopped her & said, " I can't"...."Something smells fishy here"

   Tried on the new Magnum condom today....The Damn thing looked like a tube sock hanging off a door knob!

   My colleague just told me that her grandmother or cat or something just died... the booger in her nose was so huge I couldn't focus.

   Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!

   Just got back from watching that movie The Hunger Games. Was very disappointed. Turns out it's NOT Ethiopia's version of the Olympics.

   I can't get a job because I don't have experience. I can't get experience because I can't get a job.

   Float like a butterfly and sting like a bee....today is my birthday and I am 70!!

   Just bought the wife a solar powered vibrator, seeing as the sun shines out of her arse it should save me a fortune on batteries.

   I'd be a terrible fireman, if anyone said their roof was on fire I'd tell'em "You don't need no water, let the mutha f'er burn!"

   Kanye West said he wants to be the 'Obama of clothing.' To achieve his goal, he's probably designing fashions that nobody wants and offering them on a website that doesn't work.

   GO BRONCOS!!!!!!

   Have you asked yourself "Why is it that the "most transparent administration in history" can't tell you where it's hiding the Syrian refugees and Illegals it's sending around the country?

   At least Whitney Houston died doing what she loved. Cocaine.

   R.I.P. Corey Haim.Lost Boys Forever.1971-2010

   somewhere between raising Hell and amazing grace.

   Booked into a hotel and as a man of God I said "Right young man, I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." The receptionist said "No, it's just normal porn you sick f*ck."

   Today I opened the door to the supply room and a gay Chinese guy jumped out and yelled "supplies!"

   At least men and women agree on one thing...they both don't trust women.