Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i just went to town. these new cars have gps, satellite radio & a thing in the seat to warm your butt....turn signal seems to be optional

   Found some kind of microchip implanted under my tongue. Cut it out with a knife. Blood everywhere. It also may be a cheerio

   Fun Fact of the Day: Of the 236 episodes of the great show "Friends" Jennifer Aniston has 'pokies' in 217 of them.

   Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...

   It looks like your supermarket is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.

   No one ever explained the rules of Facebook poking. You can use it to poke a girl if you like her.. Or what if I poke another guy, it's like saying " hey homeboy , what's up?" hopefully he wouldn't it take it as a " hey homeboy, what's up buttercup :)"

   No one ever gets tired of loving. They just get tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies, saying sorry & hurting.

   Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Because everyone hates old mice

   I wish exams came with a "50/50" and a "phone a friend" option.

   Osama Bin Laden ✔ Saddam Hussein ✔ Gadaffi ✔ Ciara's toes ✔ Lebron's hairline ✔ Souljaboy's career ❒

   Frustration 2011: A pic of several women. They're all tagged EXCEPT the only hot one.

   fell on the ice today. When I got up my keys, cell phone and wallet were gone. Must have been black ice...

   rejecting your reality and substituting his own.

   You're not a loser because you're covered in tattoos. You're covered in tattoos because you're a loser…

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of!

   Dr. King's dream of murdering Asian and Latino cops is really coming to fruition.

   DIDNT WE ALMOST SNORT IT ALL.....

   Here comes Jigga Boo Boo proudly presented by BET the Ghetto TV Network.... Now THAT'S just wrong!!.

   Don't judge me for being materialistic until you've walked a mile in my fantastic Gucci suede shoes.

   CNN:" No Kenyan athletes injured in the Boston explosion" those guys are already home CNN