Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.

   everyone is crazy but me and you and I'm beginning to wonder a little bit about you

   The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson

   I'm pretty sure that the devil on my shoulder secretly roofied the angel.

   "Daddy, what happens when a person dies?" "Son, they get married and have kids"

   Have you tried not taking another selfie?

   I have 3 babysitting rules. 1. Don't touch my Oreos. 2. Don't bug me unless you're dying. 3. If you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you........

   Act your age, act your wage. - Nicholas Cage

   Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would probably be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed 'paranormal-activity' style..

   People with multiple personalities scare me. Speak for yourself b*tch. That's right, you heard him.

   I wonder how hard J-LO has to laugh for her ass to fall off?

   Hummmmmmm Chocolate - (Homer Voice)

   I was just stuffed in to a bag by a fat creepy guy in a red suit. alright! fess up! Who put me on their Christmas list?

   I'm gonna get a tshirt made that says ' I survived the end of the world and all I got was this lousy tshirt

   Here comes all the brand new Houston Texans fans.

   I met a new client at work last week, but I made a total fool of myself when he introduced himself. Apparently 'Neil' is his name, not a command. On the bright side - I did get the contract, though.

   You need one of those jackets that make you hug yourself real tight!

   Kinda slow at work today, so I started browsing different pom sites. Cutest little doggies ya ever seen! ツ

   I think I'm falling for you. Oh, don't bother responding. I'll see myself over to the friend zone.

   First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!' Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'