Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wow... I think easter is a few weeks away... calm down walmart...

   ❒ I am under the influence. ❒ I am above the influence. ✔ I AM THE INFLUENCE.”

   After a night of heavy drinkin' there's one thing I can't stand... and that's up.

   You're 14 and quitting smoking? How Inspiring.

   After reading your recent updates, I'm surprised that Facebook hasn't yet asked you, "Whatever's on your mind, could you keep it to yourself?"

   Oh is it really raining outside? Please post a status update for all of us with no windows.

   Either I've reached the age when my eyebrows have developed a mind of their own, or I'm slowly turning into a werewolf.

   Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with Facebook.

   On my way to the kid's school... apparently, a nicotine patch is not an appropriate substitute for a band-aid.

   I hate it when I hold back on saying something during a conversation because I know it will offend people, and then I see the look on everyone's face and realize I've already said it.

   Some people just lack the ability to realize that everyone in the room wants them to shut up.

   I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.

   We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.

   I went to the Red Cross to donate blood and was refused. Something to do with my Vodka to Plasma ratio being to high.

   I miss that age when I THOUGHT I knew everything. Cause now that I do, it's kinda depressing...

   I'm starting to think the word Gourmet means "Put something wierd on it, and triple the price"

   There are worse things than waking up on the wrong side of the bed. You could wake up on the right side of the bed with the wrong person.

   When someone I like deletes me, I think "Why? What did I do?" Then I eat real food, have real sex and high five real people I actually know ;

   Insomnia. I tried counting sheep, but they kept sitting down and telling me their problems. Very anxiety-ridden, those sheep...

   I just saw a "Git-R-Done" bumper sticker on a Prius and I don't know what's real anymore.