Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Doing my part for National Prescription Drug Take-Back Day on Saturday, October 26, 2013, just bring your pain meds, etc. by my house and I will make sure they are returned. Note: currently not accepting laxatives.

   Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?

   Life stopped handing us lemons and started giving us reasons to drink instead

   "Let me make your morning" - coffee

   I accidentally shot my wife on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

   Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn't mean the camera they found is mine

   I don't want to rescue pets, farm, pop bubbles, or crush candy...

   I was talking to this girl and she said she was looking for a nice guy,i guess all the a**holes are taken

   I don't know if anyone ever does anything as much as LL Cool J licks his lips.

   there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat

   Neighbour kisses his wife before he leaves for work. My wife asked why I don’t do the same thing. I said I always do and that’s how the fight started

   I'm watching the OJ series, and I'm beginning to rethink my position......Kato really was a douche.

   Everyday. thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Everyday, thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it "Cinnamon".

   How come the judge let that Hulk Hogan wear that idiotic do-rag in court?

   Fact: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.

   Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever. Bartenders, they are called bartenders.

   A Perfect High School Prom Theme For 2016: An Enchanted Night at a Trump Rally.