Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyday, thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.

   Spilling a beer is the adult equivalent to losing a balloon.

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it "Cinnamon".

   How come the judge let that Hulk Hogan wear that idiotic do-rag in court?

   Fact: 69% of people find something dirty in everything they read.

   Sometimes you run into people who change your life forever. Bartenders, they are called bartenders.

   A Perfect High School Prom Theme For 2016: An Enchanted Night at a Trump Rally.

   Bring back stoner dude

   Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.

   I think Tampax and Hershey's should get together and offer a super pack....

   It's tough watching Charlie Brown's Christmas with my dog because both us know he's never won a lights display contest...

   Any salad can be a caesar salad,,, if you stab it enough.

   Some people are a lot funnier when they're on fire

   “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." Mine's against giant radioactive sloths. Yours?

   If that dress isn't Gold and White I'm not living

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with a couple police officers, you'll know it was a bad idea to set the free.

   If I never get crushed by a falling piano and walk away looking like a human accordian then life will have been a complete waste.

   A man’s got to know his limitations....... Unless he’s in a relationship,, then he’ll be constantly reminded.

   If your favorite color eyes is bloodshot, I'm your guy.

   A friend in need is a friend in NOPE