Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have only had two loves in my life: Booze and something else

   I may not be as happy as you, but I make up for it with tequila and denying my problems exist.

   if silly bands make her dance... SHES TO YOUNG FOR YOU BRO

   My main plan for success is that all the better people quit first.

   I lose all arguments with my wife because the last time I won I didn't get laid for weeks

   Sherman Hemsley, aka George Jefferson, is movin' on up. Yeah, movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. RIP George

   A gentle breeze blowing through my neigbors windchime collection is the perfect background soundtrack for me taking a dump in his yard.

   Sometimes I'll just go through the internet "liking" sh*t and I don't always really mean it.

   China has won 16 medals so far in the following sports... Ping pong, trampoline, and badminton. I'm not complaining, just wondering why there's no sports like bowling, dodgeball or beer pong?

   Knowing your family so well that you can tell who's coming down the stairs and walking through the house just by the sound of their footsteps.

   Irony: Speed Dating at a Star Trek convention with the disclaimer “No Weirdos” on your profile

   Tony Abbott as self appointed Minister for Women's Affairs? “I felt a great disturbance in the Force; as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced”.

   With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you'd think they could fly...

   Can't the gov't just call in Jon Taffer and do this shutdown thing right?

   You can really see how much Americans care about their government when they are more worried about GTA Online's current shutdown instead.

   Two difference between humans and animals: the power of talking and lying.

   Love you unconditionally? Hmmm, no I have some conditions.

   Gender equality? Men don’t have that thing in women’s brains that makes them voluntarily do all household chores when they’re angry.

   Before you diagnose yourself with anxiety, first make sure that's not only a realistic fear of surrounded by a$$hole harasser stalkers.

   Ladies Does your man tune you out? Tell him you're a week late, he'll listen to everything you have to say.