Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Can't the gov't just call in Jon Taffer and do this shutdown thing right?

   You can really see how much Americans care about their government when they are more worried about GTA Online's current shutdown instead.

   Two difference between humans and animals: the power of talking and lying.

   Love you unconditionally? Hmmm, no I have some conditions.

   Gender equality? Men don’t have that thing in women’s brains that makes them voluntarily do all household chores when they’re angry.

   Before you diagnose yourself with anxiety, first make sure that's not only a realistic fear of surrounded by a$$hole harasser stalkers.

   Ladies Does your man tune you out? Tell him you're a week late, he'll listen to everything you have to say.

   Doing my part for National Prescription Drug Take-Back Day on Saturday, October 26, 2013, just bring your pain meds, etc. by my house and I will make sure they are returned. Note: currently not accepting laxatives.

   Why do we have silencers for guns but not for boxes of movie theater candy?

   Life stopped handing us lemons and started giving us reasons to drink instead

   "Let me make your morning" - coffee

   I accidentally shot my wife on a hunting trip because I mistook her for a deer in an orange vest drinking a Diet Coke.

   Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn't mean the camera they found is mine

   I don't want to rescue pets, farm, pop bubbles, or crush candy...

   I was talking to this girl and she said she was looking for a nice guy,i guess all the a**holes are taken

   I don't know if anyone ever does anything as much as LL Cool J licks his lips.

   there anything more capitalist than a peanut with a top hat, cane, and monocle selling you other peanuts to eat

   Neighbour kisses his wife before he leaves for work. My wife asked why I don’t do the same thing. I said I always do and that’s how the fight started

   I'm watching the OJ series, and I'm beginning to rethink my position......Kato really was a douche.

   Everyday. thousands of innocent vegetables are killed....by vegetarians. Help end the violence now.