Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today,,,, I feel like I need the vulgarity expansion pack for autocorrect

   I can never invite the neighbors into my house because they might recognize their stuff.

   The ironic part about killing time is that it's slowly killing you.

   It's sad, 'cause strawberries probably hear "strawberry preserve" and think they're safe.

   On a scale from 1 to dyslexic, how 10 am I?

   I guess eBay brings out my competitive side........Anyway, this $1,800 can of peas better be good.

   When you think about it, it's probably best not to think about it.

   Truthfully, my resume should state,, "when I feel like it" after every skill listed.

   College can make you stupid, just ask Manti Te'o.

   OKAY!!! OKAY!!!...... We're prepared to meet ALL your demands!.................. Just put the sharpie on the floor, and kick it over to daddy.... Please, for the love of God,, Please?

   Ha ha, my dog ate one of my diuretics and is now pissing a circle around the neighbor's Corvette ...pretty sure this means that is now his car.

   You can lead a horse to water and you can lead a horse into water and you can swim around with a horse and have fun

   I made a toasted cheese sandwich... I may have accidentally included the plastic cheese wrapper... I may be afraid to poop for a while

   Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

   Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army

   Ever try to make a mental note but can't find anything to write it on?

   I am a Privates Investigator.

   If Miley ever twerks again, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will be unleashed.

   thankful my kids taught me how to Copy and Paste...

   gonna get a dog and name him naked so when people ask me where I'm going I can say I'm walking naked down the street