Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Marriage is punishment for shoplifting in some countries.

   Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight. - The Swiss Army

   Ever try to make a mental note but can't find anything to write it on?

   I am a Privates Investigator.

   If Miley ever twerks again, the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse will be unleashed.

   thankful my kids taught me how to Copy and Paste...

   gonna get a dog and name him naked so when people ask me where I'm going I can say I'm walking naked down the street

   I have only had two loves in my life: Booze and something else

   I may not be as happy as you, but I make up for it with tequila and denying my problems exist.

   if silly bands make her dance... SHES TO YOUNG FOR YOU BRO

   My main plan for success is that all the better people quit first.

   I lose all arguments with my wife because the last time I won I didn't get laid for weeks

   Sherman Hemsley, aka George Jefferson, is movin' on up. Yeah, movin' on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. RIP George

   A gentle breeze blowing through my neigbors windchime collection is the perfect background soundtrack for me taking a dump in his yard.

   Sometimes I'll just go through the internet "liking" sh*t and I don't always really mean it.

   China has won 16 medals so far in the following sports... Ping pong, trampoline, and badminton. I'm not complaining, just wondering why there's no sports like bowling, dodgeball or beer pong?

   Knowing your family so well that you can tell who's coming down the stairs and walking through the house just by the sound of their footsteps.

   Irony: Speed Dating at a Star Trek convention with the disclaimer “No Weirdos” on your profile

   Tony Abbott as self appointed Minister for Women's Affairs? “I felt a great disturbance in the Force; as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced”.

   With names like "Batman" and "Robin", you'd think they could fly...