Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I caught my wee brother sniffing my girlfriend’s knickers today. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve been wearing them all week.

   Never allow making a living to become such an obsession to where it prevents you from actually living.

   Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh….......

   New Spotify subscription: Crosby Stills Nash & Rogan

   Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chunky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   The people who doesn't believe we landed on the moon in 1969 are the same people who wears tin foil hats, thinking almost everything a is a conspiracy orchestrated by someone with nothing to do.

   Well, Kanye West did marry into the Kardashian’s so you can just imagine the levels of stupidity in that house

   Dear hefty girl Walmart shopper. It may feel like summer, but your shirt and shorts are way to small. You look like a half open can of biscuits.

   So 2016 Took a Prince and a Princess...Damn

   Too bad after 146 yrs Ringling Brothers Circus is closing. Well, there is always Facebook. . .

   Relax America. The Russians have now confirmed there was nothing going on between them and the White House. What more do you need?

   Happy Valentines day!! Or as I like to call it, Thursday

   Justin Beiber wants to beat off reporters. Only male reporters, Beiber isn't interested in touching females.

   I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.

   1..2..3.. SMILE! "...... "did you take it yet?" "crap its on video!"

   Coffee makes the world go round; love only populates it!

   I named my truck Karma, so if I ever run someone over I can say: Yeah…it was Karma.

   when I was little not only did I have to walk to school..my dad would drive by and flip me off.

   Ironically it's the things people don't say that tell you everything you need to know.