Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Justin Beiber wants to beat off reporters. Only male reporters, Beiber isn't interested in touching females.

   I think my TV remote has developed some sort of Romulan cloaking technology.

   1..2..3.. SMILE! "...... "did you take it yet?" "crap its on video!"

   Coffee makes the world go round; love only populates it!

   I named my truck Karma, so if I ever run someone over I can say: Yeah…it was Karma.

   when I was little not only did I have to walk to school..my dad would drive by and flip me off.

   Ironically it's the things people don't say that tell you everything you need to know.

   Today,,,, I feel like I need the vulgarity expansion pack for autocorrect

   I can never invite the neighbors into my house because they might recognize their stuff.

   The ironic part about killing time is that it's slowly killing you.

   It's sad, 'cause strawberries probably hear "strawberry preserve" and think they're safe.

   On a scale from 1 to dyslexic, how 10 am I?

   I guess eBay brings out my competitive side........Anyway, this $1,800 can of peas better be good.

   When you think about it, it's probably best not to think about it.

   Truthfully, my resume should state,, "when I feel like it" after every skill listed.

   College can make you stupid, just ask Manti Te'o.

   OKAY!!! OKAY!!!...... We're prepared to meet ALL your demands!.................. Just put the sharpie on the floor, and kick it over to daddy.... Please, for the love of God,, Please?

   Ha ha, my dog ate one of my diuretics and is now pissing a circle around the neighbor's Corvette ...pretty sure this means that is now his car.

   You can lead a horse to water and you can lead a horse into water and you can swim around with a horse and have fun

   I made a toasted cheese sandwich... I may have accidentally included the plastic cheese wrapper... I may be afraid to poop for a while