Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment

   I bet everytime a sports announcer says, "Kobe's takin' it to the hole..", his jeweler gets a woody...

   Wherever I have a problem, I sing. And when I realize that my voice is worse than my problem, I smile. (:

   I'm red all over. From my head tomatoes.

   How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   Seriously Vancouver? Riots after you LOST a game? Wouldn't that be like smashing your laptop into pieces because you lost a game in solitaire?

   You only live once. Have fun, enjoy life to the fullest, do what you want and don't look back, smile, love somebody. live for the future, not the past. Life is too short to be p!ssed off all the time!

   That awkward moment when she is wearing her apple bottom jeans, but she cant find her boots with the fur, and the whole club does'nt look at her

   watching the Situation's comedy routine on Trump's Roast.. more like The Cancelation.

   *The world is confused,if the love is blind, hw can it happen at 1st sight??

   Guys are like roses. You've got to watch out for the pricks.

   To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world

   Verizon called me complaining that my map was in their way.

   Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles and nerve impulses sent from my brain

   I said to a guy, "Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful," and he said, "Because it intensifies your personality." I said, "Yes, but what if you're an a$$hole?"

   …clearly they have no idea how funny it is when they give us the fish eye after a sneak attack…

   How do I set a laser printer to stun?

   Pls stop being such ass, I have one enough to worry about. Lol

   Dear Heart, I met a boy today.....prepare to shatter

   I like to spend my weekends at Burgerking pretending I'm on Man vs Food...