Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks that 99% of the people in this world are complete morons. It's a good job I'm in the other 2%.

   "Sexy" means I want you. "Pretty" means I like you. "Beautiful" means I love you. "Gorgeous" means all of the above

   Say all you want about Hitler, at least he never posted updates about going to the gym, Throw Back Thrusday photos, or "hashtag" anything.

   No, you may not "axe" me a question. I don't speak Walmart.

   In only 8 years, we went from HOPES to DOPES!

   I was tilling the bathroom floors today and on my knees most of the day, now I feel like Kamala after a job interview.

   "You`re fat." "It runs in my family!" "Dude, no one runs in your family."

   Zimmerman's new lawyer has issued a statement stating that ''Mr.Zimmerman said that he is sorry for shooting and Killing Trayvon Martin and that it won't happen again''.

   Meagan Good box probably taste like Hawaiian bread, a fruit salad, the happiness of 10 freed slaves and tears from the Immaculate Mary

   BIDEN'S laugh is scaring me... and the inner boy within me keeps screaming "I need an adult."

   Relationships are like jobs, they require full time, overtime, no paid time off, and the benefits are based on performance.

   Thinking about moving to Africa so I can feed my kids for 18 cents a day.

   We have all been walked on, taken for granted, forgotten, used and abused at some point in our lives. For the strong ones, life goes on, for the weak ones, life goes to waste.

   Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment

   I bet everytime a sports announcer says, "Kobe's takin' it to the hole..", his jeweler gets a woody...

   Wherever I have a problem, I sing. And when I realize that my voice is worse than my problem, I smile. (:

   I'm red all over. From my head tomatoes.

   How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

   Seriously Vancouver? Riots after you LOST a game? Wouldn't that be like smashing your laptop into pieces because you lost a game in solitaire?

   You only live once. Have fun, enjoy life to the fullest, do what you want and don't look back, smile, love somebody. live for the future, not the past. Life is too short to be p!ssed off all the time!