Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are there no black fireworks?

   I showed up late for work today . The boss yells "You should have been here at 8:30!" ,,, I replied "Why? What happened at 8:30?"

   Imagine if people were punished like dogs and had our noses rubbed in wrong doings? "Aw man, forgot to take out the trash" Welp, untie that bag and get your face in there. Look at him, he knows what he did.

   Dear Millionaires, if you don't have a bookshelf that spins into another room, give me your money because you're spending it wrong.

   I know this chick that can do more tricks on a six inch d*ck than a monkey on a mile of grapevine.

   I have a friend named Jay. We call him J for short.

   "Daddy tell me a bedtime story!" "Sure honey. Once upon a time, a little girl wouldn't go to bed. Then she died.

   Why can't they shoot porn in HD 3D?

   : Women are like Vegetables: You need a Variety to remain Healthy!!!

   YES WE CAN..move to Canada...

   You don't necessarily need to be in a church on Sunday to find and talk to God. You don't necessarily have to make an appointment to see the Lord. God is always with you, no matter where you are, no matter what day of the week it is.

   Stop using Jesus as an excuse for being a narrow-minded, bigoted a$$hole.

   I guess the Mayans were Republicans, that would explain everything.

   The best part of a Lady Gaga song is when it ends

   ♪♫♫♪Accept the Poke. THAT'S IT. Then Poke me back, Game over. Then I can Poke you, then Poke me back. And were done. That's it, That's all I want. Then I'll Poke you again, and you Poke me back. Poke Me Back♫♪♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫

   The condoms I use are so sensitive... They hang around to cuddle and talk to the chick 45 minutes after I leave.

   Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". ;)

   America put men on the moon; we don’t care if we can put a ball in a net.

   Here's the deal. I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

   Roses are red, Violets are red, Shrubs are red, Trees are red, OMG! My yard is on fire!