Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best part of a Lady Gaga song is when it ends

   ♪♫♫♪Accept the Poke. THAT'S IT. Then Poke me back, Game over. Then I can Poke you, then Poke me back. And were done. That's it, That's all I want. Then I'll Poke you again, and you Poke me back. Poke Me Back♫♪♫♫♪♪♪♫♪♫

   The condoms I use are so sensitive... They hang around to cuddle and talk to the chick 45 minutes after I leave.

   Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning". ;)

   America put men on the moon; we don’t care if we can put a ball in a net.

   Here's the deal. I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

   Roses are red, Violets are red, Shrubs are red, Trees are red, OMG! My yard is on fire!

   Face it. Tomboys are the sexiest damn girls you'll EVER see.

   My fondest childhood memories are having to stay at the kennel while my parents went off to all those Amway conventions

   People say that my analogies are as bad as a candle on a forklift.

   20 years later, members of Bell Biv Devoe are still adamant about not trusting a big butt and a smile.

   "girls will be boys" - Thai tourism board

   BREAKING NEWS - Bomb disposal experts in Brazil had to evacuate a sold out Lady Gaga concert due to a suspicious package on stage.....

   I bet if Tom Brady wore his UGGS Boots last night he probably would have played a lot better!

   Ladies paying thousands for chemical peels...I will splash battery acid on your face for only $500. Look for me on craigslist. Dr. Duracell

   Due to the nice weather, local kids are setting up a lemonade stand on St. Paddy's Day....Jeez, haven't they even heard of green beer?!

   One day, your life will flash b4 your eyes. Make sure its worth watching.

   If couples who are in love are called "love birds", then couples who always argue should be called "angry birds"

   i could of been ur dad but ur mom didnt have change for a dollar

   I hate daylight savings. Twice a year I have to set my alarm and get up at two in the morning to set my clock.....Damn.