Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   almost killed today when she fell off a horse. Thank god the Kmart employee saw me, came over and unplugged the thing!

   Police were called to a day-care centre today.... A two year old boy was resisting a rest.

   whats BROWN and Rhymes with Snoop???? Dr. Dre

   brought my date a footlong sub thinking it would score me major points, but apparently I went to the wrong jared . . .

   A moment of silence for all our pu$$y whips bro's who are enduring the ECLIPSE premier!

   Funny how Facebook is Fantasy Island for some. They pretend to be something they are not on FB but in real life are real douchebags!

   Fox announces third season renewal of “So You Think You Can Repeal Obamacare.”

   I always yell at Chinese people walking their dogs because it's rude to play with your food.

   Having sex is easy. Getting the girl to not call the cops is the real challenge.

   Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.

   You know it was a fun night when you wake up the next day with a priest above you shouting "The power of Christ compells you."

   If you would vote for Hillary Clinton, it's only obvious that you are in a long distance relationship with reality.

   It's such a shame when someone dies of a drug overdose in the bath when all they were trying to do was get clean

   Does anybody know which McDonald's that Colin Kaepernick is working at ? I have a friend that wants his Autograph.

   When Jesus was getting crucified, I wonder if he thought --- "I bet this will look good on a necklace one day."

   So I walked into a bar... ...and who do I see sitting next to me but 50 Cent, and he's knitting a sweater... So I yelled to him, Gee you knit?

   For Halloween, I'm going to wear a Pacman suit and chase all the Muslim women in burqas around the town centre.

   Obama to continue going it alone. Thats good, because I dont think anyone is following him anymore...

   trying to wipe with plastic wrap.

   Nancy Pelosi quoting bible scripture about dignity and worth of every person.....Thats Classic from a woman that is a voice for abortion.