Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   what's the definition of "egghead" it's what mrs.dumpty gives to humpty

   Gloria,,, Sometimes I still panic knowing that the rhythm is going to get me.

   How long after I lay all of my feelings on the table do they start to get rotten?

   The couple that laughs together, stays together. If that's not a pro-weed slogan then nothing is.

   If I make a woman feel special using vulgarity and another man politely makes her feel like a piece of shi t, then who is the real gentleman?

   Everybody's got their own alcohol they won't ever touch again because of an awful teenage experience

   I am a virgin...just not very good at it...

   My superpower is common decency.

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I’m not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I’m more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   I am doing an all day binger at Wendy's for St. Fatty's Day

   You have to personally know a moron to fully appreciate the meaning of the word ‘moron’. A mere dictionary won't do.

   I saw a leprechaun once. After enough green beers you begin to see all kinds of things...

   Whenever something good happens to me, I look at my calendar and circle the day I think I'll ruin it.

   I wish life would use lube before it bends me over.

   Don't worry guy's, my family could hold off North Korea by ourselves......

   I suppose one consolation about being blind is that you're always a supermodel in your eyes.

   Working on my (throwing rocks at) people skills....Just in case

   The only good part about some people is forgetting them.

   Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. - Nikita Khrushchev

   How do you get high on life? That would save me a ton of money on street drugs.