Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish life would use lube before it bends me over.

   Don't worry guy's, my family could hold off North Korea by ourselves......

   I suppose one consolation about being blind is that you're always a supermodel in your eyes.

   Working on my (throwing rocks at) people skills....Just in case

   The only good part about some people is forgetting them.

   Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river. - Nikita Khrushchev

   How do you get high on life? That would save me a ton of money on street drugs.

   time to buy a mother's day gift with my mom's money :)

   "I've been thinking." - Women, right before sh*t gets real.

   The day grenades stop exploding, i'll make it a point to catch one for you.

   Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told she looked cool.

   rang British Telecom today and said "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said "Not you again."

   Finding a wasp in your car is already plenty scary, but I swear the thing was also singing Tupac's "Ambitions of a Rider." Now you're just taunting me, dude.

   The Dish Network had an ad I just saw where they say they have "the fastest growing subscribership!" Uh, when you're the company with the fewest subscribers, you have the best chance of people saying, "F*ck it, haven't tried these morons yet."

   eating breakfast at the Peach Pit since today is 90210. I mean....um....I didn't watch that show back in the day. A friend must have told me about it.

   Wake up in the morning feeling like Luke Perry... Happy 90210 Day!

   whilst watching england tonight I have come to the conclusion that peter crouch and wayne rooney couldn't score with a prost........oh wait

   wondering how Mel Kiper can look at himself in the mirror and not want to kill himself over the guilt of getting paid to be such a terrible "expert" in his field.

   a plethera of useless knowledge. In other words I would so win at Jeopardy!

   As a taxpayer, I demand police escorts for emergency situations... Such as trying to get Ice cream to work from Braum's before its melts...