Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FUN FACT: Only one word in the English language is ever pronounced correctly, and that word is correctly.

   I don't care what people say, Little Bunny Foo Foo was a bully to field mice!!!

   'Bob Marley drinking game.........1.put on the Bob Marley track "Jammin'"..2,whenever Bob says "Jammin" you drink a beer

   I can unstrap a bra using one hand, so if you ever have a problem deciding whether to cut the blue or red wire on a bomb, I’m your guy.

   Apparently, this ass is going to have to learn to tap itself.

   I was gonna try the whole vegan thing once, but I didn't really want to commit myself to telling everyone about it.

   How am I supposed to completely ignore Olympic wrestling like it doesn't exist, if it actually doesn't exist?!

   Usually hates it when people post pictures of their lunch on Facebook, but my Asian friends picture of his puppy was just too cute.

   my money is on the Kenyan Cardinal in the Pope race!!

   I always tell people how fat I am. Then they tell me I'm not and I feel better about myself. - MOST WOMEN

   I like to draw graffiti on highway overpasses. Things like "clearance 40 feet".

   Maybe we should just crop dust North Korea with Chronic Smoke! Just calm that whole area down a bit! I'm sure Colorado could support the mission......

   I celebrate payday by pouring Gatorade on my bank teller.

   Hey all you Candy Crush players, oh please add me and I will send a virus to take out your addiction, oops I mean, codes I'll send you codes....

   Maybe nobody loves you because you're boring and needy. Calm down, I said maybe.

   Late every Sunday night, all other the stores in the mall go and tell Radio Shack not to worry about what other people think, they still love him

   THE POWER OF THE WINKY FACE: We need whipped cream. We need whipped cream ;)

   Here's a crazy concept, maybe I'm not in a bad mood, angry, or a douchebag. Maybe I said it because it's true and I meant it. Marinate on that.

   Meatless lasagna goes real well with a double cheeseburger.

   If you're going to be stupid, don't do it on Facebook.