Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Can I use your phone to call my mom?” “Yeah, just hit redial…

   There's no b, c, d, f, g, h, j, k, l, n, o, p, q, r, s, u, v, w, x, y, or z in team either.

   living in a van down by the river!

   Come on guys and gals!!! There are people who visit every day who rely on us!!!

   Justin Beiber on the CMT's is like Rosa Parks at a Klan rally!!

   I line Dance just so I can kick people and get away with it

   Daffy Duck has invaded Libya and wil now be known as General K'Daffy

   I saw a homeless guy holding a sign that said "Bet you cant hit me with a quarter!" I bet he didn't expect me to use a sling shot.

   Kegel exercises ladies...Lets begin! and I and a 2 and a 3. :)

   hoping Casey Anthony gets her next period in a shark tank

   I like to do my ATM transactions in Spanish, ‘cause then it feels like a bigger deal when the money comes out.

   In my book, having sex with people comes first and getting to know the person comes second.

   The 12th beer of a 12 pack always tastes a little bit like I'm calling off tomorrow.

   "Who needs prostitutes when we have a government who screws us everyday and gets paid for it?"

   If it's free, it's advice; If you pay for it, it's counseling; If you can use either one, it's a miracle !

   All men were not created equal, look around more often

   I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants

   hows Lamar Odom the 3rd best Laker and he got the 3rd best Kardashian??

   where is the chase and how do I cut to it??