Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would of had a better comeback but I left the come back in your mother

   I JUST GOT LAID THIS MORNING!................ Unfortuanately it was at a 7/11 gas pump :(

   My uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer last month, but all my Facebook friends changed their status' for an hour and now he's going to live a long and fruitful life.

   Yesterday the house was clean, sorry you missed it.

   The guys who ask a woman if they can kiss her are the same rookies who wear socks during sex.

   Barack Obama's in training for a second term of office. He says if he's elected President he will also consider hunting vampires.

   "What did I do?" -- the horse you rode in on.

   "I wasn't that drunk." ... "Dude you destroyed my moms garden while yelling, "F**K farmville!"

   I saw some girl texting and driving the other day and it really pissed me off. So I rolled my window down and threw my beer at her.

   A Shout Out to all the beautiful women who don't need to dress half nekked to get a man's attention. Stay classy! The rest of you, come with me.

   7 billion people, 14 billion faces.

   so vein he probably thinks this status is about him

   Obama is like a penny.....2 sided and pretty much worthless

   throwing peanuts at old ladies

   Dear theist, Atheists don't care who you pray to. Just keep it to yourselves and out of schools and government. =)

   I'll take the mormon over the moron.

   has 99 problems don't become the 100th one

   There is a new strain of Marijuana on the market now. It is called "The Obama". It is very expensive, powerful, and does not do anything

   Welcome to the Dark Side,we have..........food stamps.

   Biggest lie ever: "I have read the terms of conditions"