Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My anaconda dont want none unless you got buns hun

   Too F#CKED up how much of the population has been dumb down to march for rights you already have ! ! !

   Madonna was offering blowjobs to men for their vote for Hillary. I took the blow job and still voted for Trump. . .

   Do I need to show proof of vaccination to get my free crack pipe?

   Hey homeless guy, quick tip: don’t panhandle outside the 99 Cent Store, we’re not that far from you.

   The Pope just wanted to prove he was a good Catholic by pulling out before finishing the job.

   I hate when you're caught stalking in a tree outside someone's window so you freeze like a squirrel, and they're all like "I can still see you."

   Some people go to work just because there haven't left any people at home and their neighbourhood to bother them except at office.

   before the letters FDNY became a fashion statement on hats, it was worn on the back of brave dudes with mustaches, NEVER FORGET 9/11

   Hey guys with a sexy accent. I have a v@gina that would like to speak to your tongue.

   "Oh, scientific method!" ~ things atheists cry out during sex

   Helpful advice for people: Don't be a douche.

   My list of things that are great: bills, traffic, the NBA lockout, the recession, Obama's plans.... Oh! and sarcasm.

   Dear chairs, I know you get more a$$, but I get more head. Sincerely, Pillows.

   Hated by many, wanted by plenty, disliked by some, confronted by none! If you don't like just REMEMBER it's mind over matter! I don't Mind and you don't matter!

   Went from being single to being in a relationSH*T

   Quick to the point, to the point no faking I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon

   My buddy told me he really screwed up with his wife and she told him he had better have something in the garage in 24 hours that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds......I told him to get her a scale

   I just ate Skittles for the first time in 30 years. I hate to tell you this... but the rainbow tastes like crap.

   I'm so sick of hearing about the rapture... Shut up already, if it happens we'll have all eternity to talk about it in he'll.