Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   10% of car thieves are left handed. All polar bears are left handed. So there's a 10% chance that a polar bear took your car.

   i've always wanted to walk to a stranger, hand them a briefcase and whisper, "You know what to do." and walk away....

   Half way thru the day and I'm just realizing *now* I've got my pants on inside-out. Hello, Wednesday.

   Kids nowadays have it made.... I'd like to see them settle for a gray and white t.v. with rabbit ears and aluminum foil.

   I used to have a tattoo of a ninja on my shoulder, well played tattoo ninja,,,,, well played

   The wise never marry. and when they marry they become otherwise.

   I keep my standards low, so you don't have to!

   Here, let me tell you about a ton of opinionated bull$hit that's not actually news" - Every major news Channe

   believes every road in the world is under construction right now!

   Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life. Drink to your health!

   This lady on the highway is driving like a maniac & she has kids in the car. Lady I'm not following you. I want to watch Ice Age too.

   You know you had a good night when you wake up with one less friend and one new useless Ebay purchase.

   People are funny. They spend money they haven't earned, to buy things they don't need, to impress people they don't like.

   referring to Thanksgiving as "Turkey Day" gives turkeys a false sense of accomplishment.

   Wednesday a blood relative of Monday!

   Hate it when insurance companies sends the settlement with my name mispelled and right address..

   Alarm, snooze, check Facebook...

   Just had my first-ever bowl of porridge & the first one was, in fact, too hot.

   perhaps he should stop singing the teenage mutant hero turtles theme song its really freaking everyone out here at the aquarium

   there really a need for constipation medicines and stool softeners in a world where burritos and tacos exist?