Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎[Status update only available to Facebook® Gold™ account holders]

   ┏(-_-)┛┗(-_- )┓┗(-_-)┛┏(-_-)┓ EVERYDAY I'M SHUFFLIN'

   I wish some people could actually see their personality when they look in a mirror.

   Dear Facebook: Stop being like my mom and suggesting people for me to be friends with.

   we all know "watch a movie" means "I wanna be in the dark with you"

   Apparently, the answer "I Know" is not a good answer when your friend tells you how good his girlfriend is in bed

   I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German..

   The pollen levels are so high this year that it has the crackheads trying to convert their meth back into Sudafed..

   ever realize how similar Porsches are to porcupines? Except the porcupine has pricks on the outside....

   Next time I'm on a job interview and they ask my accomplishments, I'm going to say , "Don't know if you know this, but Windows 7 was my idea."

   Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it's my legal obligation to feed you something.

   I don't like it when other shoppers look in my cart while at the grocery store. Trying to steal my ideas, go think up your own dinner!

   The Tooth Fairy teaches kids to sell their body parts for Money.

   Adorable idea... Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yogurt called Debbie.

   To the woman at WalMart with all those screaming, unruly kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your cart when your head was turned. You are so welcome!

   Sometimes when the batteries in the remote die, I take both of them out, switch their places, and they're good as new. I'll always feel like I've tricked the stupid remote.

   when I was born, they asked me if I wanted a long memory or a long penis.. I FORGET MY RESPONSE

   saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet on 6th floor balcony. I called out "whats up ahmed, won't it start?"

   The best way to hang up on someone is to do it in the middle of YOUR OWN sentence. that way, they never suspect you hung up on them.

   Being white has its disadvantages too, you know. It can be super hard to find a rap song on iTunes when you spell all the words correctly.