Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a piñata full of cocaine.

   A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

   I cross my legs when I sit on the toilet, for I am a classy gentleman.

   Maybe Kim Jong Un just wants a Klondike bar

   Just made up my own personal yoga pose called "Downward Life Spiral".

   the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of you action. :)

   “It’s over there by the Walgreens” - directions to anywhere

   A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along

   Some people are just meant to be a loan.

   Long Island ice tea proves that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

   Apparently entertainment is more important than our safety.

   "It was always the pigs who put forward the resolutions. The other animals understood how to vote, but could never think of any resolutions of their own."

   I'm looking forward to looking back on this month.

   I don't trust gorgeous women who are broke.

   I was driving the other day and I didn't stop at a stop sign, A police car pulled me over and a police man got out and asked "Did you see that stop sign?" Apparently I shouldn't have said "Yeah, but I didn't see you."

   Dad is it true that in some African Countries that a man doesnt really know his wife until he marries her? Son that's true in every country.

   The best person to be thrown in Jail with is the Kool aid man

   Sometimes we spend too much time thinking about someone who doesn’t even think of us for a second.

   Watching "Hitler's Hemorrhoids" on the Military channel......

   Chris Brown jokes are all the same... they all have the same punchline.