Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like my job. You might say I'm a gruntled employee.

   Sometimes, when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

   Don't let your enemy use your energy against you.

   97% of women over the age of 25 who have "never done that before" have done that before.

   Anybody else watch the Miss Universe contest last night???? I still say its riged, I have never seen anyone from another universe in that contest!!!

   My dog left me christmas present under the tree I had to clean it up

   my new pickup line "get in the car and no one will get hurt

   I just spent 5 minutes on a dating website and now I need a shower...

   he asked to be the little spoon... so I went home

   Lindsay Lohan's personal chef is just a piñata full of cocaine.

   A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

   I cross my legs when I sit on the toilet, for I am a classy gentleman.

   Maybe Kim Jong Un just wants a Klondike bar

   Just made up my own personal yoga pose called "Downward Life Spiral".

   the number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of you action. :)

   “It’s over there by the Walgreens” - directions to anywhere

   A bunch of us are going out for pancakes when Facebook is over, if you want to come along

   Some people are just meant to be a loan.

   Long Island ice tea proves that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.

   Apparently entertainment is more important than our safety.